worries about the "what ifs" of pregnancy

Like many pregnant mommas, I'm sure, I have had a constant worry that something might go wrong inside of there.
On both pregnancies I've thought about the "what ifs",
and continuously bothered Jeff with "what would we do if" questions...
While many times these worries are about the possible miscarriage,
more often they contain worries about if something is less than perfect with the baby.

When Brody was born, his hearing tests continuously failed in his left ear at the hospital.
This was so scary to me.
While I held this perfect little child, I was overwhelmed with the thought that even one little thing could be wrong with him.
I hated thinking about the chance that maybe I did something wrong while being pregnant to possibly cause this.
While everyone assured me that it had nothing to do with me... the thought still crossed this concerned momma's mind.
I wondered if he would someday have to attend speech therapy.
I wondered that if he had a speech impediment, if the kids at school would make fun of him.
I wondered what other things he would encounter in his life that hearing loss in one ear may affect.
As I held my innocent, little baby, I prayed that this trouble would wash away from him.
I didn't want him to have more struggles in this world than what was already waiting for him.

After a week, we took him in for more specilized, in-depth tests, and we found out that his ear was just clogged with liquid,
and it would eventually fix itself.
We had nothing to worry about.
I had nothing to worry about.
My perfect child, who had hearing in both of his ears, was now even more perfect.
Our prayers were answered on that day.

Jeff and I spent the day at Boy Scout Camp this morning.
There, I experienced something that I definitely did not expect.
We had a brand new Cub Scout attend our group.
(He just recently turned of age.)
Neither of us had met him, until he stepped out of the car with him mom, ready with a smile on his face and for a full day of fun.
This little eight year old boy had red hair,
four missing front teeth,
and big, bright eyes.
This little boy also had down syndrome.
I had no idea what all it would entail to care for a boy with this trial.

Jeff and I were the only leaders set off from our pack to care for these boys at camp.
Which meant we were fully responsible for this new little boy.
This scared me a little. I was nervous for the unexpected.

He slept in the car, with his head on his cousin's shoulder, all the way to camp.
He had the sweetest, angelic look on his face as he slept.

As we stood together at opening ceremonies, the sun hadn't reached the top of the mountains yet, so it was very chilly.
I squatted down beside him to see how he was doing, and he looked at me and said, "You look cold."
He scooted a bit closer to me, and I knew at that moment that I liked this little boy, a lot.

While we went through out the day at camp, the little boy was so bright eyed at each and every event.
He watched intently to the other kids around him and joined right in with the rest of the boys.
At one point when they were doing the climbing wall, his job was to be a spotter.
And he was the best spotter there.
He cautiously watched his cousin climb the wall, encouraging him, and telling him where to put his foot next so that he would be safe.

We continued through the day, switching from activity to activity, and I watched how the counselors paid special attention to him.
I watched how everyone helped him just a little bit more and encouraged him more frequently than others.
I wondered how I would feel if I was a parent to a boy like him.
Would I feel bad that people had to spend extra time with my child?
Would I feel awkward when I had to let people know about his circumstance?

Even though the day included this little boy taking his shoe off and throwing it in a river,
this little boy taking a pair of scissors at arts and crafts under the table and cutting his hair,
this little boy continuously running away from me, playing hide-and-seek,
this little boy throwing objects like rocks, scissors, and dirt around,
and me being worried we'd lose track of him, or he'd get hurt, or that he'd accidentally hurt someone else,
I learned something much bigger than all of that...

At the closing ceremony, another little boy who was not a part of our pack,
came over to our boys and started to complain that our special little boy was "bullying him".
He said that he wouldn't stop looking at him and wouldn't stop sticking his tounge out at him.
This complaining kid was getting on my nerves.
The cousins of our little boy stood up for him appropriately,
and I told the kid to go back to the pack and leave him alone.
The kid had no idea the circumstance of the boy that he was complaining about.
He didn't know him.
He didn't care.

But I did.
I realized, at that moment, how much love I had for this new little boy in our pack.
I loved everything about this little boy.
He was special, and he was perfect.

So many things that the boy would do, so many mannerizims, reminded me of Brody.
The way he reached up to Jeff when he was tired because he wanted to be held.
The way he ran around to the other sides of things and giggled as he knew I couldn't catch him.
The way he had this look of pure awe when he saw someone do something that he had never seen before.

However, this little boy was so much easier to care for than Brody.
He could walk perfectly,
he could make model airplanes with the other kids,
he could understand when I told him to do things,
he could play with other eight year old kids,
he could feed himself,
and he could go to the bathroom by himself.
I love Brody more than anything I could ever imagine.
I love taking care of him, even though taking care of a baby isn't always easy.

I realized, as I made these comparisons,
that if someday Heavenly Father gave me a child that was special like this boy I had met today,
that I would truly love that child with all of my heart,
just like I loved Brody.
I would care for that child like a loving momma should,
and I know that it wouldn't be as hard as I had once imagined it might be,
to accept that child's differences,
and understand that this child was sent down specifically to me.

I am so glad that I had this experience.
As much as I worry about things going wrong with my pregnancy
and with my new forming little baby,
today I gained a testimony that we are sent children that are meant for us.
Heavenly Father understands what we can handle.
He knows our love capacity.
Sure, I will still worry, and I will still be cautious about things I do during pregnancy,
but I now have an assurance that things will work out.
There is a plan.

Being a momma makes me think of things much differently than I ever did before.
It makes me look at the world with more caring and loving eyes.

My heart was full today.