Overwhelmed

Three weeks ago I had a baby. Did you know that I had to open up the calendar on my phone to count how many weeks ago that was? How sad is that? With Brody, I KNOW I knew the exact amount of days he'd been alive for many many days after his birth. I know this because I remember how much it bothered me when he was four weeks old, but not one month old yet. It bothered me like crazy, because I was so fixated on how old he was. With Blaire, there's a day, then there's another day. We have things to get done, babies to juggle, potties to race to, clothes to get on, baths to take, food to cook, messes to clean... And it's all just going so fast. 

A week ago, as I posted a picture of Bonnie for her birthday, I just cried my eyes out. I was riding in the front seat of the car, with my mother-in-law, on the way to visit family for her birthday, so I was trying to hide my tears, but it was very difficult. 

I don't really know why I was crying, except that I just felt, and still feel, so overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed that I haven't taken enough pictures. I feel overwhelmed that I haven't taken enough videos. I feel overwhelmed that I never use my real camera to document my kids' lives. I feel overwhelmed that someday I am going to look back and realize that these were the best years of my life. Am I enjoying them enough? I feel overwhelmed that the baby I just had, sweet baby Blaire, could possibly be my last birth I ever experience. 

How is it possible that this phase of my life is already over? I don't feel relieved, as I thought I would. I feel sad. And I don't know where exactly that sadness is coming from. Is it because I feel we have more children in heaven waiting to come down to join our family? Is it because I'm scared to be forced to lose the baby weight even after I'm done nursing and won't have the excuse that I'm pregnant again? Is it because I love babies, and especially the newborn stage? Even though all these things are true, I think that the main reason I feel sad is because it has made me realize that life is passing. And it's passing quickly. I don't feel ready to be able to say, "We are done having kids." I don't feel ready to get rid of my newborn clothes. I don't feel ready to be okay with having one boy, and two girls, and no more mystery of what's to come. 

 

I didnt mourn the end of teenage years. I didn't mourn the end of high school days. I didn't mourn the end of college years. Those phases, and more, didn't seem as important as this phase I am in right now. Having the responsibility to raise these tiny spirits, and create their childhood, just seems so heavy. It's hard to know that someday it will be over and I won't be able to make any changes to what has already happened. 

A couple days ago, I dropped Brody off at preschool, and he hugged onto my leg as he said goodbye. He thought that was pretty funny, and he giggled as he said, "Bye, Momma!" and ran off to play with his friends. 

Each experience like this leaves me feeling a little more overwhelmed. How much longer will he feel like hugging his mom's leg at school is silly? I love being a mom to little kids. Will I enjoy being a mom to big kids? 

If Blaire is indeed our last baby, I am realizing now how much more I'm going to mourn her growing up. It's already starting. She's becoming more awake lately and instead of me being excited I get to see her eyes open more often, I'm sad that the sleepy newborn stage is slipping away already. 

Yesterday I tried to fit her in a footie pajama that was labeled "up to 7lbs" and I cried when it didn't fit. Now what do I do? Pack it up for my sisters' future babies, and be okay that there isn't even a possibility that any of my own kids will wear that footie pajama again? How do all the moms out there do that and just feel okay with that? 

Like I said, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with my kids growing, with possibly being done with having kids, but mostly, I'm overwhelmed with life. It is beautiful. And I wouldn't want it any other way. But, at the same time, I'm finding that the ends of phases are pretty hard to take.