Before Bonnie was born, I felt so bored. Not a bored that I have nothing to do kind of bored, but a bored that I have many mundane things to do, over and over again. That feeling has returned.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a momma. I LOVE being a momma. On the good days I absolutely love it, and on the bad days I still really do love it.
I love waking up with my babies, eating with my babies, playing with my babies, going for walks with my babies... I love so many things about our days together...
HOWEVER sometimes at the end of a day, I look around my house at toys littering the ground, dishes in the sink, clothes needing to be folded... And feel like I got absolutely nothing done all day.
There are weeks that pass quickly. We have doctors appointments, play dates, office hours, and other activities planned. But on those weeks where everyday fades into the next, feeling exactly the same as the last one, that's where I get bored. Bored of doing the same thing over and over.
In those weeks I also feel tired. I know there are things I could plan, or create, to spice things up a little... But to be honest, I just don't have the energy! I feel like unless something like appointments or planned activities are already in place, it's difficult for me to have the motivation to want to add variation. Sounds backwards, I know.
So I go, day in and day out, getting the same things done, over and over again. Diapers changed, laundry loads switched, laundry piles folded, toys picked up, dishes washed, strollers pushed, groceries shopped for, mouths wiped, counters cleaned, floors mopped... On and on the list goes. And even though this list is long, at the end of these days, I feel so unproductive.
I need more. And I'm not sure what that "more" should look like yet.
Should I get a second job? Start a hobby? Write a book?..
I find myself leaning towards another job. Just a very part-time job, a couple nights a week. This scares me a little, however it also excites me.
I think it might be the variation I need to escape from the mundane tasks of motherhood I find myself in.
I imagine having a small job some type.. I would be able to get out of the house, without my kids. I would be able to interact with other adults and have regular conversations. I would be able to earn a bit of extra money. I would be able to come home, excited again to be back at home with my sweet family. I would be able to feel refreshed.
I think it might be good.
I hope these thoughts and feelings don't make me a bad mom. I want to be a good mom. If I could choose to be only one thing, I would, hands down, be a mom. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mom.
But... I also want to be other things as well, at the same time. I'm naturally a busy person. It's in me to always be doing something. And while I was still figuring out how to take care of babies, my mind felt busy, so I felt busy.
But now, Bonnie reached that 6 month mark and I'm back to feeling bored and not busy the way I prefer to be- the way I am happy being.
I just need a little something more.
Karli, you are normal. I'm saying this from a very loving and hopefully helpful place. Being a mother is fantastic, but do not let it define you or consume you. You were a person before your children. You had hobbies, passions, interests. Don't shut down that part of yourself. I've seen so many people I know do that, and they end up with depression or other mental issues. I'm glad you are recognizing this now, that you need "more". I think as women and mothers, all too often we give up us, to take care of everyone else. But for your mental health and well being, stand up, carve out time for the things you want to do, and don't feel guilty for a second!
ReplyDeleteYou are an awesome person. I think you'd be great at nearly anything you tried, and I think if you're fulfilled with being a housewife and mother that's great, and if you want to work full-time, that's great too--as is anything between! Love you. Good luck choosing!
ReplyDeleteI have a part time job and in my opinion it is the best thing, for me and for my babies. Having another loving adult care for them for a short time each workday has helped them to be socialized at a young age. Buddy has learned infinitely more about how to play and mechanics of being a little boy by watching the other boy in their home than he ever would being solely with me and Mima. The change in "management" has helped to keep their attention and to be respectful of following the guidance of someone other than Mom & Dad. Neither baby has developed a fear of being without Mom because they know that other adults can love them. And for me, having the emotional break is priceless.I know they are in good hands so I can turn off the "mom" side of my brain and utilize other skills for a few hours. The only hard part is finding someone you do trust and that works with your schedule; that is far more complicated than I expected but so worth it when you find success.
ReplyDelete