Loving Two Little Bees

Having a second child, for me, has been a different experience than I would have guessed. As much as I would love to say that it's been easy, that being a family of four feels perfect, that things haven't changed that much, that everyone is happy, and that life couldn't feel more complete, I can't. Because if I did, that would be lying. To be honest, this transition, that we are still trying to work through, has been a difficult one.

I came home from the hospital after only staying there one night. I remembered how good it felt after having Brody to finally be able to go home, to my own bed, and to my familiar life. This time though, it was different. I was sure I wanted to go home, but immediately after I sat on my couch, I could tell I should have chosen to stay that extra night. I felt overwhelmed. Brody was crying since it was at the time of day that he was most crankiest. I was hungry. I was sore. There wasn't a nurse there to ask for things from. My mom was there. But she knew she was most helpful if she took care of Brody by getting him fed, bathed, and ready for bed. I should have just stayed and enjoyed the quiet feel of the hospital for just a little longer. I should have stayed and enjoyed my little new baby alone for just a little longer. I will know this for next time.

I remember rocking Brody that first night home and wondering if I was ever going to be to handle this new life I had created for myself. I felt like I had took the nice life that I was used to and made it a million times harder for myself. It had nothing to do specifically about the baby. She was and is a little angel baby. I just couldn't believe that eventually, after family had left, that I would have to split my attention in half, for two kids. Two babies.

Each day has gotten a little bit better. I still am overwhelmed at the thought of facing days without my mom or mother in law here to help with Brody, but I feel myself gaining more confidence in this as the time goes by. I could not be more grateful that I have the awesome family that I do. My mom and mother in law are both so selfless as they have stayed here, helped in every way that they can think of, woken up at the crack of dawn with Brody each morning, let me take long naps during the day, and been there to talk to. I know that if they hadn't been willing to be here I wouldn't have been able to handle my new life situation so quickly- especially those first few days.

Brody has been affected by this change the most. And honestly, it breaks my heart if I think about it too much. I have to constantly remind myself that he is still a baby. He has been throwing tantrums more often whenever he doesn't get his way. He has made normal things so much more difficult such as sitting in his highchair, or letting us get him dressed, or not waking up in the middle of the night. I feel like so many things that I have worked so hard to enforce with him have immediately went backwards. I can tell he is confused. He now has to share his parents with a little sister that he barely knows or understands.

The worst part is how I feel like I've betrayed him. Normally I wouldn't feel this way, but his actions tell me that is the way he feels as well. He's always been a Daddy's Boy- but now it's worse. He never, and I mean never, comes to me if Jeff is anywhere is the house. When Jeff leaves he screams and screams like I'm just some horrible babysitter. Even if I'm away from him for an extended amount of time, he doesn't act excited to see me at all. However, every time Jeff returns he couldn't be more excited. He gets his most excited look on his face, runs over to him, and reaches up for him to carry him around. Me, he barely even looks at me. I'm not exaggerating this at all. I normally am the one who rocks him to sleep, but now he chooses Jeff. He won't even give me a hug or kiss goodnight- and he used to do that to Jeff when I would take him to bed.

The sad feeling I get when any of these things happen is indescribable. He's still my little baby, and just because I now have another baby doesn't mean that I love him any less. I wish I could explain these thoughts to him. He's just so little. He doesn't deserve to feel as though his mommy has replaced him. Everyone says that things will get better. They are probably right, since normally hard things in life eventually do get better. But really, that doesn't make the here and now any easier.