A Change

Before Brody was born I had every intention of transferring to BYU in Utah, and earning a master's degree in Mathematics.
Last semester I planned and organized how I was going to get all the prerequisites done within the next two semesters at both BYU-Idaho and BYU.
It was going to be a mix of extra courses this semester, distant learning courses in the Fall, and two classes at BYU during the Winter.
By the time Fall 2013 came around, I'd be ready to start the Master's Program at BYU.
I was ambitious and motivated.
There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was going to execute this plan all the way through.

And then Brody came.
A week after his arrival, I was sitting in my rocking chair one morning with the little guy in my arms.
It was really early, and the two of us were the only ones awake.
While the sun came up through the kitchen window, I thought about the future, our future.
I was amazed at how different it looked now with this tiny little face looking up at me.
This tiny spirit, straight from heaven, was sent down to me.
To me.
I knew at that moment what I wanted our future to look like.
I wanted to be the best mom I could possibly be for this little guy.
I knew that this wasn't possible to do if I wasn't at home.
Getting all the prerequisites completed, organizing my schedule to complete the master's program, and working at the college in order to pay for the degree,
was not going to allow me to give Brody the attention that he deserved to have.

So right then I realized how different my life had become.
Rather than feeling disappointed, frustrated, or sad..
I felt so happy.
I felt so complete.
I felt like my life had more direction than it had ever had before.

I am a mom.
I am so blessed.
I want to make the most of this experience,
because I know that in a blink of an eye my kids will be all grown up,
and moving out of the house.
I want to embrace these moments.

It is true,
that with a baby comes
sleepless nights,
unwanted headaches,
less money,
and other things to not get super excited about.

But I honestly don't mind.

I know that in the big picture,
this is only a small snapshot of my life.
I have only been a mom for a little over a month and a half now,
and in that time,
more joy has been added to my life than ever before.

The best feeling is having that little bundle of joy in my arms,
holding him so so close,
and knowing that he is all mine,
and that I get to be his mom.

I know that this is what I am supposed to dedicate this portion of my life to;
& knowing that, I couldn't be more happier.

Kay Meets Jay: Prologue

I was lost, completely and utterly lost.

I guess you could say that year was an exploration year for me.
That's speaking nicely about it though.
Entering college, I would have never guessed that one year could hold so many life changing events.
From transferring colleges,
to losing the relationship I had with my first roommate,
to living with and breaking up with a boyfriend that no one approved of,
to a car crash that totaled my best friends car,
to losing that best friend,
to losing other friends in the process,
to removing all communication with my dear family,
to eventually being welcomed back to live at home,
to transferring colleges, once again,
... and the list goes on.

Freshmen year of college was not a proud moment in my life.
I am not, and never will be, proud of the person I was that year.

But that is a story for another post.

For now, I'd like to tell you about the events that led up to me marrying the man of my dreams.
I consider him my saving grace.
The reason I got back on track and am the person, the wife, the daughter, the mom, that I am today.
I'm so glad that he could see through the girl I was when we first met,
and believe that I could become something more.

August 2009:
I was frustrated with the list of circumstances that I was given and expected by my parents to follow in order to be able to live in their home.
I was embarrassed at the fact that I had failed at college, that I had moved back home.
I was busy with two minimum wage jobs.
I was trying to regain the relationships that I had once had with my sisters.
I was attempting, and failing, to not have countless arguments with my parents.

I was lost, completely and utterly lost.
Little did I know that the beginning of the rest of my life was right around the corner...

Engagement Pictures: October 2010

For Kay Meets Jay: Part 1, click here.

I got this love story idea from here. This is a blog I have recently found, and am loving.

The Reasons I Blog

I am not a huge journal keeper, or rather, I'm not a journal keeper at all.
I wish I was.
There are so many moments that I have long since forgotten or wish I could remember more clearly,
that I never took the time to write down.

Growing up, my mom would frequently tell me, "Make sure you write that down in your journal."
I wish I had listened to these simple words of advice,
along with many other pieces advice that she shared with me throughout the years.

I find it is easier, and more enjoyable, for me to type out my thoughts.
This removes the hand cramping,
the pens running out of ink,
the failed attempts to perfect my handwriting,
and the needed storage space to keep the filled journals.

Also, with blogs, I can include pictures of the stories, thoughts, and feelings that I am writing about.
Since I'm not a scrapbooker either, blogging is a great middle ground for me.

Not only would I like to document the events in my life that I'm scared I will someday forget,
but I would like to create something for my kids (and even my future grandkids) to read someday.
I want them to know some of the thoughts that ran through my head when I was able to hold them for the very first time,
the smile I got the day they first said the word "Mommy" (I can't wait for this),
and some of my favorite things about them
(like the way Brody's face gets all scrunchy when he is in the process of waking up in the morning).
And if for some reason I'm not around to tell them someday, I want them to know how much I loved them.
And how much I loved their Daddy.

Living far away from my family makes it hard,
especially after having Brody.
This blog is also a way to share pictures, videos, and descriptions of our day to day events to these loved ones.
It makes the distance feel that much shorter.

I love to write,
which is another reason I enjoy blogging.
Being nearly graduated from college (in July), I am nervous I won't have many opportunities to write.
Plus, it is one hundred times more enjoyable to write about what I want,
instead of writing about given prompts for various professors who may or may not read what I've worked for hours on.
(This is one pet-peeve I have about teachers assigning papers to classes of 50 plus students.
How could they possibly have the time to grade all those?)

I have more time to write now
(mostly during Brody's feeding times),
and I have more to write about now (my adorable Little Bee).
I want a place that I feel comfortable to share my
thoughts,
fears,
and inspirations.
I want to know that I am not alone in many of my daily struggles.
The more blogs I read, the more this is apparent to me.
I would like to give others that same comfort-
that they aren't alone,
that I too have bad days,
and that I too make many of the same mistakes that they do.

Wyoming Trip, 2010: My sister, Chloe, and I

one month + one week

20 things that I know about month and a week old Brody:

1. He does more than sleep smiles now.

2. His toes are now bigger than Tic Tac mints.

3. He has developed a serious double chin.

4. His hands are unusually big for his body.

5. He takes a pacifier.

6. He makes eye contact with you.

7. He grabs onto clothes and hair.

8. He blocks the light out of his eyes with his skinny little arm when he is trying to sleep.

9. He saves milk in his chipmunk cheeks for up to hours.

10. He has man sized burps.. and farts.

11. He makes noises other than whining or crying.

12. He occasionally pinches his cheek until he cries and I have to pry his little fingers off.

13. He opens his mouth when you kiss him on the lips.

14. He quiets when I sing him primary songs.

15. He loves to snuggle.

16. He isn't afraid of dogs.

17. When he looks like he is about to scream, it means he is going to sneeze.

18. His cries sound like a small kitten.

19. He sucks in his lips if you lightly trace them with your finger.

20. He loves his stroller and falls asleep every time.

I know I don't say this enough...

Today we went on a walk to the park. It was the first thing outside we have done together in quite awhile. Lately between work, school, and getting used to having a baby, it is hard to find time to do more than rent a Redbox Movie once in awhile. 

I love going to the park. 

But this time was different for me for one reason: 

We were a family of three.

One of the things I have enjoyed most about having Brody is watching Jeff love him so much. 

I know I don't say this enough, but I am so thankful for Jeff. From that August day I met him, my life immediately changed. We were in love from the start. I remember getting some serious butterflies every time I would get ready for our dates, see him through the glass on our front door waiting to pick me up, and get inside the passenger seat of his 4-Runner. These feelings are fresh in my mind because I still get them frequently when he is around. 

I know he will always take care of me and our family. I am so grateful for that. I admire the hard worker he is. I often times find myself making decisions based on what I know Jeff would do in similar situations. Jeff has made me a better person in so many ways. I am so blessed to be his wife and best friend. I am lucky to have found someone who doesn't hesitate to say sorry first, who makes a hard situation one to laugh about, who comes home from work singing, who has a smile on his face every morning, who never forgets to kiss me goodbye, who likes to cuddle, who compliments me daily, and who is excited for our future together. 

I love you Jeff.

This Morning

We all three woke up and cuddled.

Jeff and I adored our little Brodes.

(Brody is in his best mood in the mornings.)

We took turns changing his dirty morning diapers.

We helped Brody practice sitting up and bragged about how strong our little guy's neck is now.

We admired his squishy face.

Brody wondered why Mom takes so many pictures.

Jeff kissed us both goodbye and left to play some golf.

Little Bee and I fell back asleep.

& didn't wake back up until 11:30am. 

It doesn't get any better than that.

On Parenting

Before officially becoming a Mom, I had this idea in my head that it would be this straight forward thing. I thought that if I could go through the motions, my kids would grow up strong and smart, and I would have done my part. My lack of experience in this Mama area was the cause of these misinterpretations of Motherhood.

I've only been a Mother for 1 month and 6 days. I can already tell you that it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And Brody is an easy, laid back, content, little baby. We got lucky. He is definitely the best "training child" that Jeff and I could have received.

One thing I have learned so far is that there are so many "right" ways to parent. From sleeping habits, to feeding schedules, to pacifiers, to bottles, to formula, to blah blah blah. In the past several months, I have had so much parenting advice. It is confusing. Like most Moms, I would like to do what is best for my child. This conflicting advice has inflicted so much stress on my mothering decisions. Sally said that I should do this. But Susan said that I should do it this way instead. But Sally said that this was the only way that would work. But Sarah said that both of those ways are bad and that this is what I should do instead.

Today, as I was laying in my bed feeding Brody, Jeff had just left for work, I realized something. I need to do what I am comfortable with, as a mother, of my own child. I have read so many parenting articles on the internet, explored many parenting blogs, and read multiple books on parenting styles, and while I've taken bits and pieces from each, they all end up conflicting with one another. So what one is right? Gosh, if I knew, I wouldn't be telling you how completely confused I have become over the past several months.

One of the greatest challenges I have had with being a Mom so far happens daily, around 11pm at night. I look at Brody, wide awake in his swing, and get this feeling that I am a horrible Mom. My little baby is still awake and I am fully aware that bedtime is a slightly important concept. I tried the cry it out method. I tried, I tried, I tried, I failed. Many of my young mom friends in this area swear by it. They have told me all of the positives and claim it is the best thing I can do for my child. I believe them. I am sure it does really really work, and I am sure it works for a lot of families. Jeff and I however.. it's not working.

I attempted to start the cry it out  method when Brody was 2 1/2 weeks old on a weekend that Jeff closed 3 nights in a row. I knew Jeff wouldn't be able to handle the crying, so I planned to be strong and get through 3 of the hardest first nights with Brody crying it out. I hoped that  Brody would be better by Monday night, and it wouldn't be so bad for Jeff.  So I fed him, kept him awake during the feeding, laid him down in his bed, kissed him goodnight, and closed the door. He cried in his crib. I cried on the living room couch.

Brody is one of the most content babies I have ever met. He barely ever cries. It's a tiny whine that sounds like a small kitten, and it can be easily fixed by a quick diaper change or a feeding. So when I would leave him in his crib and listen to him cry, eventually getting to this bloody murder cry, I couldn't do it. It felt like I was putting him in his crib, poking him with a needle, and closing the door behind me. Why would I make this little baby cry when he is so content at all other times of the day? It was too hard, and even more difficult when Jeff was home. I had heard time and time again how beneficial this strategy was, so I was therefore stronger about it than Jeff, who had just heard the benefits second hand from me. Jeff will listen and wait through his crying for approximately 3 minutes and insist on rescuing him. It's hard to tell him not to, when that is exactly what I want to do as well. So we go and get him. We place him in his swing, and that is where he sleeps until we put him in his crib when we are ready for bed. 

Brody is 5 weeks old as of yesterday. I have tried the cry it out method so many nights between that first weekend and now, and I have figured out that it is not for me. The look on his little sad face when I go get him from his crib, and the way he quiets immediately when I pick him up, is enough to convince me of this.

I enjoy cuddling with my little baby. I like taking naps with him in my bed. I enjoy waking up next to him and seeing his scrunchy little tired face as he wakes up. I love holding him until he falls asleep and placing my content tiny baby in his crib for the night. And when he wakes up during the night because he is hungry, I like being able to take him into bed with Jeff and I and feed him until he falls asleep again. These are things I have learned that I enjoy and are things that have become some of my favorite aspects of being a Mom. I don't want to replace these with leaving my baby to cry. Maybe I'll feel differently when it is my second baby, but for now, this is what I am comfortable with.

As I said before, I have realized that there are so many "right" ways to parent. Jeff and I are figuring out our way. It is a harder job than I thought it would be. But after this realization, I am not as nervous about it anymore. I know that if I can do the things that feel right to Jeff and I, that we will be happier with the decisions we are making and will feel more confident that we are doing the "right" things for Brody. Also, I have realized that instead of always immediately going straight to the internet to answer my motherhood questions, I can go to my Heavenly Father. He knows better than anyone what is best for my specific child, and that gives me more comfort than anything.

So Many Expressions

Man, I love this baby.

First Mother's Day

I am so blessed. I have heard time and time again that being a Mom is one of the best things in the world. I know now that this is true. One month and one day ago, I became a Mom and my life changed. I know for certain that this change has truely blessed my life. Never before has anything made me more happier than being able to be Brody's Mom.

On this Mother's Day I am also so thankful for my own Mom. I better understand the struggles, hard decisions, and life changes that come with being a Mother. Growing up, I never once heard my Mom complain about her role as a Mom. Since I was born, my Mom's life immediately became her children. My sisters and I are so blessed to have had her attention and guidance all those years. Now, as we are growing up and moving out of the house one by one, I imagine it must be a hard transition going from caring for three kids to having an empty house. However, now more than ever, I feel as though I need my Mom. I am so grateful that she is just a phone call away whenever I have a problem or question or just need someone to talk to (which is quite often). I couldn't ask for a better Mom. I am so lucky to be able to call her my best friend. I love you Mommy. Happy Mother's Day.

Summer 2009, California trip