on being poor

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the lives of others with their fancy cruises,
and trips,
and clothes,
and homes,
and decor,
and accessories,
and their cute baby gear,
and their lifestyles..
that sometimes I get distracted, look around at our small apartment,
and can't help myself but feel a little bit down.

Jeff and I are working so hard, both with two jobs,
while working around having a one year old at home,
without daycare.
Jeff is still finishing up his degree right now, so money is tight.
We are constantly living on a budget, doing our best not to take out any loans for school.

It's hard, and I have to constantly remind myself that it is worth it.

I know that when I'm looking -and envying- the lives of others,
I am not allowing myself to enjoy all of the good that I have right now.

I catch myself saying phrases like, "Someday, when..."
And I just need to stop.
I need to slow down because I know that life, right now, isn't all that bad.
We have everything that we need- a little apartment, lots of love, and food at every meal.
We even get to do fun things too, maybe not on an airplane or boat,
but here in our small college town, together as a family of three.
Life as we know it now will never happen again.

So when I stare at pictures of beautiful living rooms and fully remodeled kitchens,
and catch myself drooling,
I just need to stop.
Seriously stop.
Because until my life allows such glorious things like this,
they aren't things even worth thinking about.

What I should be doing instead is playing in the park with my son,
or going on walks with Jeff,
or taking millions of pictures of all of these moments that are never going to happen again.

Jeff is so good at going with the flow and enjoying life everyday.
I envy this about him.
Rarely does he have a bad day,
which is one big reason why I chose to marry him.
Seeing a smile on his face every single day, definitely makes my life feel happier...
even without all of those things waiting patiently on my wish list.

They will come.
But once they do, right now will be gone.
I just need to stop.

Brody's Momma = The Babysitter

Some days I can't help but notice how much of a daddy's boy Brody is.
And while that is so nice,
and fun,
and sweet,
and cute...
for Jeff,
it sometimes sucks for me.
Where was that sweet momma-loving nursing baby I once knew?

I knew, I KNEW, this would happen.
Or so I told myself as I sat in our rocking chair, cherishing those sweet baby cuddle moments.
I knew that one day Brody might not want to cuddle his momma as much...
but did I really take it seriously?
I am finding out that I never truly believed that moment would ever happen.
And then today happened...

We went to the water park- Jeff, Brody, and me.
It was opening day and the weather was perfect!
Both Jeff and I were SO excited to bring Brody there and show him the bright colors, the water, the waves, and the people!
We started at the wave pool. I got the honors of carrying him first to go see it.
He liked touching the water and watching all of the kids scream as the waves got nearer to the shore.
He was feeling a bit adventurous, at first, until he decided to crawl into the waves,
causing a not-so-fun head under the water crawl that ended by him looking up at me with his arms in the air, wanting me to pick him up right that instant.
That was the end of Mr. Adventerous.
And then he saw Dada.
He reached over for him to take him, and left Momma feeling lonely without her little guy.
That was the first thing, it gets worse.

So Dada went and rented us all a double tube so that we could float in the wave pool.
That was so relaxing!!
But Brody was a bit nervous, and also a bit cold,
so all he wanted to do was curl up on top of Dada and cuddle into him.
Dada was starting to feel bad and used his best encouraging voice to say, "Brody, you want to go over and lay with Momma?!"
He handed him over to me, and Brody continued to reach back to Dada,
until he took matters into his own hands and crawled away from me, back to Dada's spot,
pushing his little feet into my side to get there.
Once over to Dada, he laid his little head on his chest and cuddled right back in.
How sweet. :(

It's fine. I will be okay. I'm not toooo heart broken, just a little though.

I remember when Brody was first born how he would cry and cry until I returned home.
I remember how that made Jeff feel and how it made me feel bad as well that Brody chose me over Jeff.
Oh, how that tables have turned!!

Every time Brody sees Jeff get ready for work, he starts to whine.
As he puts on his work belt, the whines increase.
As he puts on his work hat, Brody stands beneath him and wants him to pick him up.
As he puts on his work shoes, the whines start into a little cry.
And when the door shuts, and all he is left with is me, the babysitter, he screams for Dada.
I'm left with a sad little guy who I have to distract in order for him to be happy again.
All this does for me is brings back many memories of babysitting and the sorrows that come when the parents leave for the evening.

Jeff is the star in our house.
Every time Jeff is home, Brody is following him like a little shadow.
If he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, heaven forbid,
Brody screams and scratches at the door until he is forced to invite him in...
or Momma comes and takes him to another room.
(Brody doesn't like that second option.)

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I'm just not fun like Dada.
Maybe Brody just doesn't want to be around me.

And then there are the other days that Brody and I are playing,
and Brody crawls over, sits on my lap, and gives me the sweetest cuddle...
then all is well again.

And then there are the other days when Brody bumps his head
and immediately crawls over to me, pointing to where it hurts,
and I kiss it better and he is happy again.

I love my Daddy's boy, even if he is sort of a Daddy's boy.

Momma's Boy                                                                   Dada's Boy

Momma of Two

Boy, was it hard to get three little ones to sit in one spot and smile/look at the camera at the same time! My Brody was definitely the most difficult. By the end of our session I was literally sweating from jumping, dancing, and making silly noises behind the photographer, trying to get the kids attention, and chasing speedy crawling little Brody all around the room while he refused to stay with his cousins. But jeez, aren't these pictures cute anyways? A little sweat never hurt anyone. :)

This past weekend we were lucky enough to have Jeff's family come into town. One of my favorite parts of the trip was getting to see Brody interact with his sweet cousins. Brody adored them and loved to watch what they were doing the whole time that they were here. He just loves being around other children.

Taking three kids with us on all of our many activities was a ton of work compared to our normal one kid trips. It made me think about what life is going to look like for Jeff and me in just a few months. Two kids! That is going to definitely be different. As I watched my sister-in-law chase after her two girls, be pulled in separate directions, worry about each child for different reasons, it made me wonder if I am going to be able to handle this huge commitment.

Now, I am already pregnant, there is no turning back now. I know that. I'm in for it, and I am going to make this momma-of-two thing work, even if it drives me insane... however this doesn't mean that I don't worry. Boy, do I worry.

I worry that I won't have enough time for each of my kids.
I worry that I am not going to be able to build the strong momma-baby relationship with my second that I have with Brody.
I worry about what I am going to occupy Brody with while I'm feeding the new baby.
I worry that the new baby is going to throw off Brody's world as he knows it, and that it will make Brody sad.
I worry that I'm just going to be a stressed out mess trying to figure out how to coordinate not only only baby's schedule, but two.
I worry that the new baby and I won't have as many special moments like Brody and I do.

For example, how Brody points his one little pointer finger
on his left hand up to me and expects me to kiss the tip of it.
Or when we say "What's on your head?"
and Brody places whatever is closest to him on the top of his head.
Will I have time for silly games like this?

I worry that our house won't be as happy anymore. That it will be too busy.
I worry that I won't be able to soak in the monumental moments that Brody has, or the new baby has, because I'll be too busy paying attention to the other one.
Will I mix up their names and make them feel like I love them less?
I worry that I won't think my next kid is as adorable as Brody is. Do I have more love inside of me to amount to the love that I already have for Brody?
Will I forget one at the park because I'm used to just pushing one around in the stroller?

I worry about all of these things and much, much more. I know, I know, you are saying in your head that I am worrying too much. That when the new baby comes that he/she will just fit into our family like they were always there to begin with. You are saying that Brody will learn to love his new sibling and I will not have a problem loving that new baby as well. But what if you are wrong? What if getting pregnant was just a terrible mistake and Jeff and I should have waited a few years??

While these things spiral through my head, especially when I see other families with more than one kid, I am also so excited for this new adventure.
I can't wait to hold that new, innocent little baby in my arms for the first time.
I can't wait to see Jeff's proud daddy face when he sees his son or daughter in the hospital on that special day.
I can't wait to quietly watch Brody alone with the baby.
I can't wait to teach Brody how to be gentle and loving with this new little person.
I can't wait to set up a room full of both baby and toddler toys.
I can't wait to walk my two precious children in a double stroller.
I can't wait to squeeze in the backseat between the two car seats on a not so peaceful car trip.
I can't wait to let Brody help me with the new baby and watch him fall in love with this other piece of him.
I can't wait to have Brody and the babe become good friends since they will be so close in age.

This lifestyle change will definitely cause some learning experiences on this momma's end. I have no idea how I'm going to do it. But I WILL do it. I have to. Two little, young, innocent souls are counting on me, and I definitely don't want to let those sweet children down.

momma and baby moment to remember.

I just want to remember a this sweet moment I had with Brody a few nights ago...

Family came to town this past weekend and while this is always so much fun to see relatives, and especially for me to watch them interact with Brody, it does make me a little more stressed and a little less relaxed. I am a person who likes to attempt to make things go perfectly, and when they don't, which they never do, I sometimes lose it. This was one of those times.

After a busy day full of fun, nonstop activities (including shopping for a new car-what a stress in itself), Jeff and his family dropped Brody and I off at home since it was late and way past Brody's very scheduled bedtime. When Brody's off schedule, this momma doesn't cope well. I like Brody's schedule, or should I say live for Brody's schedule. So as flexible as I try to be when we have visitors or some other event that forces us out of the schedule, I inevitably get stressed out. On top of it, we had been out all day, so Brody hadn't eaten as much as he normally does. (I have learned from this experience to always pack a special lunch/dinner of food and snacks just for Brody, for the times the adult food isn't the easiest to feed to a toddler.) This also added to my stress and worry. So after a rushed dinner, and a quick bath, I finally started to rock him to sleep with a bottle. I closed my eyes and tried to wish my pounding headache away in Brody's peaceful, dark room.

He was hungry, more hungry than I think both him and I thought. He drank 10 ounces in a flash. While I was rocking him while singing our favorite Primary songs, the dreaded happened. Brody started to gag, and cough, and whimper, and oh no, yes, barf. He barfed all of the food and all of the full bottle he had just consumed all over me, all over himself, all over his hair, all over the boppy, all over the material covered rocking chair, all over the floor, then all over the changing table, then all over the bathtub, then all over the side, both sides, of the bathtub... Me, being exhausted from the full day with relatives, rinsed and bathed crying (and screaming) Brody, once again, trying to hold back my frustrations, knowing that I needed to put this baby to bed and then be ready to enjoy the company that we had afterwards. I was so tired. I had to strip myself of my vomit clothes as well, and now I had the stress of how I was going to get another set of clothes for myself without revealing everything to my in-laws that were visiting, who may or may not have gotten home yet. I was praying everyone would just take their time returning. This was definitely not the got-it-all-together-Karli I liked to pretend to be at all times. (Also being pregnant, I'm sure, didn't help this situation.)

Anyway, I finally got Brody cleaned up, and wrapped in a towel. He smelled heavenly, especially compared to the rancid stench that everything else in the world reeked of. I just need to sit, so I sat, with my baby wrapped up in my arms, with only his tiny face peering out beneath the soft white towel. I just held him, and I started to cry. Let's be honest... I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I looked down at Brody, my sweet baby. The roles of crying usually were reversed.  He just starred up at me and I took in all of his innocence. He just looked at his very sad momma and laid very very still. As tears ran down my face, I remember just closing my eyes and smelling his sweet lavender scented baby wash. I then felt a tiny, soft hand reach up and touch a tear on my face. This made me cry even more, however instead of tears of exhaustion and frustration, it turned into tears of overwhelming love. That, at that moment, was all I needed. (I'm tearing up now thinking about this sweet moment.)

My little guyee guy. I know that he was sent down to me for a reason. We know each other so well and not only do I take care of him, but he somehow takes care of me as well.

Lately he has been giving out some major cuddles. He will be playing with his toys, and spontaneously turn around to look at me, crawl over, and give me a hug. I fall in love with him just a little bit more everytime this happens. How could something so young be so wise and alert to his small world around him? I love this little man, and gosh, I love being a momma.

my thoughts

We got home from Target and Brody was hungry, tired, and just plain not happy. In the midst of frustrated screaming from such a tiny little mouth that makes such a loud noise, I got him undressed, in his high chair, fed, bathed, lotioned, dressed for bed, hair brushed, and finally could take a breath as he sunk into my arms, bottle in hand, and immediately closed his eyes. As I sung him to sleep, my life just felt good. As I kissed his forehead and laid him down in his crib, watched as he snuggled into his favorite light green blankie, the love I felt for him, and for my simple life, was overwhelming.

Once the house was picked up and the kitchen was clean, I made my way to the bathroom furthest from sleeping Brody, turned my Pandora up way high on my iPad, and took a nice, hot shower. This felt so good, so good. I know that times like today I need to just stop and remember how blessed I truly am. Today I felt blessed.

Being married and having a little one has changed my life more than anything else. With fewer friends, after moving to Utah, I sometimes feel lonely while Jeff works night shifts.  Making friendships seems like it was so much easier when I was single. I'm the type of person who needs socialization. So getting used to quiet nights with a sleeping baby, and a hard at work spouse has been so hard to get used to. It is still a work in progress.

Laid Back Kind of Momma

 
Today was a good day. I didn't have to teach and I got to feel life as just a momma. It was peaceful, fulfilling, and wonderful.  I love having my mornings filled with noisy toys, messy baby food, and warm bottles of milk. Brody had a tough time going down for his naps today. He has officially moved into his own room and is still getting used his crib again. Being home all day with Brody made me understand him more than I feel like I normally do. Taking care of my little guy without many other distractions allowed me to focus on his needs and be the momma I know I want to be. When Brody is unsettled, like he is as he is getting used to his crib, he has a cry that I know right when I hear it. It makes me feel almost sick to my stomach. I know when I hear this cry that all he needs is a little extra cuddle and rock in the rocking chair, and before long he will go right to sleep when I put lay him back down.

I know I have only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I am so thankful for the many lessons that Brody has already taught me. There are so many people, including doctors, nurses, friends, neighbors, and more, that will tell you exactly what you need to do in every parenting situation. I know that the best teacher and advice giver is actually your own sweet, innocent, child. They know what is best for them, and in turn, as a parent, you will know what is best for them, and for you for that matter. I have learned that listening to others, especially to those who don't know Brody personally, only leads to frustration, confusion, and stress. Instead, I have found in so many cases already that doing it my own way has always worked out better.

I am striving to parent in a laid back sort of way. Not in every way, but in some. I have found that if i just let nature take its course with Brody, everyone is happier. Things like sleeping through the night, breastfeeding length, weening from the bottle, not allowing attachments, and more, will all work themselves out. When I say that I am "striving" to be a laid back parent, means that this has not been an easy journey for me, and I am still working on it. I am so easily influenced by the advice that I am given that whenever I hear these opinions I think and dwell on the ideas for so long. It literally brings me down. I feel like I am swimming up stream, trying to figure out how to be a mom, and when new ideas or criticism is thrown at me, I get so flustered that I may not be doing the right thing.

But I want to be laid back. I want to remember to be laid back.

For example, I wanted so badly to breastfeed for an entire year, however, I got pregnant again and while my milk supply decreased drastically, 3 weeks before Brody turned one, I stopped breastfeeding. I was a bit devastated, even though I didn't tell other people that aloud. I don't like to fall short of my goals, but this one I didn't have much of a choice. However, I know that it was the right time for Brody and for me. Brody switched to the bottle full time so easily. He completely switched to whole milk so smoothly. I know that he was ready to not be nursed at night anymore. I had absolutely no pain when I stopped nursing. I always thought that was a requirement when you stopped. My body was ready, just like my baby was ready. If I would have just stopped thinking about all of the people who told me I had to nurse for a year no matter what, and just listened to Brody and my own body, I wouldn't have been so stressed about this transition.

The other day a nurse said to me, "So Brody is over a year now, he is completely off the bottle, right?" I looked at her with a surprised expression, and replied, "No, should he be?" While she explained to me that he should not be on a bottle for more than 14 months, and that I need to be starting to switch him immediately, I had to reassure myself that I was doing okay. I had to keep telling myself that I was not failing as a mom. On the way home I stopped at the store and got Brody 5 new sippy cups. We were going to start this immediately. Brody thought the sippy cups were so fun. He would shake them, chew up the lids, take off the lids with his bottom teeth, and poke the different parts with his little figure trying to figure out what the heck I was giving him to play with. Yeah, this was not going to work, especially at the times I was trying to get him calmed down to go to sleep. I knew after that trial run that Brody was not ready. I needed to be more laid back about this.

Therefore, I have decided to put the sippy cups away for awhile longer. Brody loves his bottle, and that is okay with me. I enjoy rocking him to sleep with his bottle. I adore the way his face looks so innocent when he drinks with it. I love how he insists on me holding it, even though we both know that he is fully capable to do it himself. It's his comfort item, and if he want to suck on a bottle for another year, then so be it. I know he will give it up on his own time, and that time is not right now.

I just want to be laid back. I don't want to listen to him crying in his crib for longer than a few minutes. I don't want to desert him in his room for the whole night if he wakes up. I don't want to not rock him at night until he is ready to sleep. I just want to be a mom, a laid back, it will work itself out, kind of mom.