A date. A time. A place.

A few weeks ago, I decided to really start researching the birth process and how it all worked. I knew my due date was coming up fast, but the more I read, and the more I learned, the more I realized that I had really had no idea how my body worked. Eventually I came to decide that I really wanted to attempt an all natural birth, with little to no medication. Having not really had a preference of hospital before, this immediately changed once I realized what I big part the place that you have your baby can have on your birth experience. From the nurses, to your birth preferences, to the atmosphere... I started to wonder if the convenience of having my baby directly across the street could outweigh the whole experience that I might be able to choose at a different hospital. After talking to people about the hospitals in the area, finding out the choices of hospitals that my doctor delivered out, and touring a different one that was actually 20 minutes away, I felt so strongly that I needed to deliver at the hospital in Payson, UT. Jeff was a bit hesitant at first to give up the opportunity to deliver right across the street. I mean it was so close! I completely understood, especially while we would be leaving Brody with my mom and sister while we were gone and they could easily walk over anytime they wanted. Also, Jeff could come tuck Brody in at night if he even wanted. But, after touring this new hospital, we both knew that the distance outweighed those small advantaged. The Payson hospital was where we wanted to deliver at.

I went into my 40 week appointment completely nervous. Tears were already brimming in my eyes as I took the routine pee test in the bathroom. I wasn't sure why I felt so emotional, but as they took my blood pressure, it became clear. After testing my blood pressure on two different machine, multiple times, the doctor explained to me how my reading had risen to a point where, since I was already full term, he would highly suggest we get the baby out as soon as possible. This meant I would need an to have induction. Disappointment filled my entire body. While I had been trying to prepare myself for this natural birth, an induction was definitely not what I had had in mind. I left the hospital that day knowing that the very next day, at 11 am, I would be put on Pitocin and we would be having our baby.

This was more emotional for me that I would have guessed. Just a few short weeks ago I'm sure that this news would have brought me excitement, but now, after my research and thoughts about how I wanted this birth to play out, I couldn't stop crying at every thought that I would be having to attempt a natural birth, not so naturally anymore. The unknown consumed me.

After letting Jeff, my mom, and my sister in on the news, Brody and I got in the car and headed to Target to get my mind off what had just happened that day. Buying a few last minute girl items made me feel better, but my mind was definitely preoccupied thinking about what the next day was going to hold.

About 5 hours later, I got a call from the Payson hospital. They wanted to get my information in order to preregister me for my induction that following day. As I answered their questions, I could feel myself relax as the voice of the nurse on the other side of the phone sounded so friendly and so calm. I knew that at least I was delivering at a place that I had immediately felt so comfortable with. That is until they got to asking about my insurance. After finding out my plan, she explained to me that their hospital actually couldn't cover me on the insurance plan that I had. Tears filled my eyes as I said goodbye and she told me that she would page my doctor immediately and that he would be calling me.

My doctor explained the mistake that his office had made when they had overlooked my plan. I would now have to deliver at the hospital across the street. While to many people this might not seem like a huge deal, but the hospital across the street is smack dab in the the middle of Provo, UT. It is a huge hospital and is super busy. They want to have you in, out, and on to the next baby being born. While my doctor assured me that I would be on the priority list for the day I was to deliver, since I was not an elective induction, he also explained to me that they were extremely busy, so to not be surprised if they called to reschedule times with me because rooms were too filled. This, along with other comments he made during that short phone conversation, confirmed to me that this hospital was not going to create the experience that I had hoped for at the other, smaller, less busy, more personable hospital.

I got off the phone and cried. Everything was seeming to go wrong. And on top of it all, my induction was rescheduled for two days later, instead of the following day. Therefore I knew that I would now have even more time to think about all of things that were not going right and all of the things that I had once hoped for that were just not going to happen anymore. I don't think that I have ever felt more disappointment in such a short period of time.

Nothing anyone could say could make me feel better. This was just something that I needed to get through and accept on my own.

My mom had scheduled her flight for that night, in thoughts that I was going deliver that next day. My sister had got her work shifts covered, in thoughts that I was going to deliver that next day. And now, plans had changed, once again, and tomorrow wasn't even the day anymore. I just felt bad for having people schedule around me. While I knew no one thought that any of this was my fault, it just added to the horrible news that kept being added to the day.

October 30, 2013, at 6am, at the Utah Valley Hospital, I would be induced. And hopefully, by the end of that day, I would be holding my second child- a sweet baby girl. Who, by the way, we hadn't even picked a name out for. That in itself also added to my stress if I thought too much about the details.

Knowing a date, time, and place had an effect on me that I could have never predicted. It is such a weird feeling to know that right now I am pregnant, but after that time, I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. After carrying a baby around with you for 9 whole months, for me, it feels like she is a part of me. And instead of being surprised with going into labor by myself, running to the hospital, having a great rush of adrenaline, and having the experience of delivering a baby.. it is all planned now. I kept having little thoughts like, "Here, I am at Papa Murphys tonight. If I went here tomorrow, I could sit on this same bench, but I wouldn't be pregnant anymore." These thoughts are small, I know. But it still just feels weird. I have found that I am a person that really enjoys being pregnant. I honestly think that I enjoy the attention that comes from it. But I also like the feeling that I get knowing that I am holding such a precious thing inside of me. Therefore knowing when exactly the experience will be coming to an end made me kind of sad to think about. And while I know that the outcome, being able to actually meet and hold my sweet baby, will be so great and so wonderful, for some reason knowing a timeline to the end of this small chapter of my life just makes me feel strange. It is difficult for me to describe.

I got to spend a full day of relaxing with my mom the day following the day of bad news. As I took my shower, half way through the day, I started to cry thinking about what I would be doing the very next morning. My mind went to Brody, which made me cry harder. I thought about how little he is and how he had no idea what was about to take place. The whole thing was so planned now, and even with that being so, I had no way to explain to him anything. I felt a feeling of betrayal, like somehow I was planning to replace him. I know that this isn't what was really going on, but I was just so emotional, and a warm shower just brings that out for me.

I love my little Brody. I know that I am going to adore this little girl of mine as well. I get so excited to hold her and to love her at the times that I focus completely on the fact that I get to meet her so so soon. I am writing this at 5am on Oct 30. I can't sleep, even though I know that is exactly what I should be doing. In exactly an hour I will be entering the hospital and waiting to be induced to deliver this new little family member that we have talked about for so long. I am so thrilled. I know that the process may not be the experience that I had once hoped for, but I also know that the outcome is going to more than I could have ever hoped for. I can't wait to see the look on my little Brody's face when he sees his little sister for the first time. I am so excited to explain to him that this is our baby and that he is a big brother now. Gosh, I love that little guy.

I rocked him last night to sleep, and all I could think about was how this would be my last time rocking him as an only child. I kissed his little forehead and laid him down. While I closed his door, I said a little prayer for him to know that I loved him and that even though I wouldn't be there to get him out of bed the following morning, I would be back home soon and our lives would just be a little bit different- but in a very good way.

I don't think that I prefer to know the date, time, and place of my births, but after having hours to let everything soak in, I know that if I just focus on the end result- the fact that our family is about to grow- I know that things aren't all that horrible. Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and for my little family, and because of that, things don't always go the way that I may have wanted the plan to go. And you know what? That's okay. We'll be okay.

Well, off to go get ready for the big day ahead of us.

When I failed as a momma of one.

From 11-1, on most weekdays, I have office hours in the management office. It is connected to our apartment, so it is a perfect situation. (Especially when Brody's nap is at 11:30.) In the half hour he is awake during my office hours, he is usually busy playing with my car keys, pushing buttons on the calculator, trying to beg me for candy out of the candy jar, writing on sticky notes with pens, and running around in the lounge.

Yesterday's office hours weren't any different- until they took a turn for the worst.

Brody ran into the lounge (which is right outside the office) as the phone rang. I answered the phone, knowing Brody would probably go find the lounge remotes for the TV and bring them to me, or he would climb his way onto the piano bench and practice his tunes, or he would find something else to get into while I was on the phone. As I finished the conversation, I realized that I hadn't heard or seen Brody during that whole phone conversation. As I casually walked into the lounge to find out what he was up to, my heart sank..

Brody was no where to be seen inside of that room.

My eyes made their way across the room, to the unlatched door, on the far side of the room. My feet made their way there quicker. I opened the door and ran outside. I did not see my little blonde boy anywhere. I frantically ran to the nearest parking lot, calling his name, over and over, knowing he wouldn't come even if he could hear me. I didn't know what else to do though.

As my attempt to find him in that parking lot failed, I ran my pregnant self to the other parking lot. As I rounded the corner, relief spread through my body as I saw one of our tenants carrying my diaper wearing, barefoot, blue eyed, curious boy towards me. I could not thank him enough for bringing back my most precious little guy back to me. He told me, "When I saw this little guy by the Fed Ex truck, I figured you may not be aware of where he was..."

Yeah, no, I wasn't aware that he was in the parking lot, next to a Fed Ex truck, let alone a million other cars nearby. Not to mention near two extremely busy streets... Nope, I didn't know that. Now I do- thanks.

Thanks, upstairs neighbor, for saving my toddler's life. Okay, I am leaving now, to go punish myself.

I held him tight that day as we made our way back through the lounge, and to the office. I put a "Be back in 15 minutes" sign up, locked the door, and got Brody his baba of milk for his nap. I cuddled him in the rocking chair, and cuddled him some more. I tried my best not to think about all of the millions of awful things that could have happened to him while my eyes filled with tears. Brody's face was blurry as I held my little baby close and sang him his bedtime songs.

The fact that this situation could have turned out so much worse weighs heavy on my heart. I keep replaying what happened yesterday in my head over and over again. I was embarrassed to relay the story to Jeff later that day- the story if how I nearly lost his child to my lack of attentiveness.

And here I go, adding another baby to my responsibility the end of this short month. What am I thinking?

I just need to take some breaths. The end.