I have a tendency to become obsessed

I attribute my obsessive tendency to my father. He is known for becoming completely consumed in something for a good length of time, and buying every gadget, book, and magazine about the obsession. While obsessions aren't always a good thing, I've always admired my father's ability to have hobbies and interests. Because without those, life can sometimes become a little mundane at times.

After becoming a momma, I have developed some obsessions that are all about Brody. The first one that I can recall was his sleep habits. I read book after book, and blog after blog, trying to figure out how in the world do moms get their children to sleep- let alone on a timely schedule that works well for each individual family. After months of trying, I can finally say that I have it down! Brody is a wonderful sleeper, still taking a scheduled two naps at 15 months old, and sleeping 12 hours every night without waking. I am so proud of this because it wasn't easy for me at all. People sometimes say, "You are so lucky that your baby sleeps so well." I have to tell them though, it isn't luck. What it was is some very long nights, lots of tears, a ton of research, and a lot of hard work. But it has paid off, and hopefully with baby number two on the way, that road will be a little bit easier for both Jeff and me. I know that our little girl will bring her own challenges that Brody didn't prepared us for, but knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sleep training CAN be done, will be key to keeping us all going... during the day and the night.

My next obsession having to do with Brody came during his first year while I was breastfeeding. Within that year, there were seven months that I was going to be away, full-time, while I finished my student teaching and also taught my own classes. This was so hard, but I was so thankful that between Jeff and Auntie Q, they could work their school schedules around each other so I didn't have to leave Brody with anyone outside of the family. Aside from having to kiss Brody goodbye every morning at 6:00 am, and not seeing him again until 4:00 pm, the other hard thing about this situation was my determination to continue breastfeeding. I then became obsessed. We bought a good pump, a milk carrier, and containers, and I pumped in the morning, once at school, and once when I got home during Brody's nap. This, with the milk I was able to store during weekend, built up enough that Jeff and Auntie Q were able to feed him throughout the day, with the occasional formula supplement when we'd run out. My goal was still a year though, and I'm happy to say that my obsession paid off. I made it to 11 months, or until I got pregnant again, and my supply dropped drastically.

Right now, I have recently acquired a brand new obsession having to do with Brody- his eating habits. For the past 3 months he has fully refused to eat baby food anymore and only wants to feed himself. Months 6-12 felt so wonderful to me! He was still nursing and only eating baby foods (vegetables, fruits, meats, and rice cereal). Life felt good. I knew that Brody was getting the nutrients he needed, and I didn't have to try very hard at all- a simple pop of the baby food jar, and we were done. Introducing solid food has been a whole different story.

This past week Brody and I were gone on a trip back to Washington, and Jeff was left at home alone because of work. Which meant Jeff also had to grocery shop for himself. When Brody and I returned home, I looked through the kitchen and found chicken nuggets, frozen crinkle fries, ice cream sandwiches, nacho chips, Gatorade, and more items that were similar to these. I sat Brody down in his highchair and became frustrated. I didn't know what to feed him that would make me feel like I gave him a balanced meal. Sure, I could give him some nuggets with some mac and cheese on the side, and really, I am not against the moms that do feed this to their kids. (I'm one of them.) But not having vegetables or fruit to offer his as well made me think a lot about the responsibility I have to feed my growing little boy the right thing. It is so stressful to me when I think of how much control I have over Brody, including what he eats, which is so important. 

As you could probably guess from Jeff's grocery list, both Jeff and I don't eat the best. While I try to eat vegetables and fruits (especially when I'm pregnant), we prepare a lot of quick and easy things like frozen meals, pasta, and sandwiches. While these things are necessarily all bad, I've learned in just the past few days that there are many different variations of those things and alternatives that are a lot better for our bodies. My obsession has just started. Right now I'm in the research faze. I love talking to people who have done the same research and listening to what works for them and their families. I already feel like I've learned so much.

While this obsession started first with feeding Brody, I have come to find out that I really would like to fully change the way Jeff and I eat as well. I am currently researching the Paleo Diet. (A diet my dad actually has done a lot of research about awhile back as well.) I plan to read other books and gradually introduce different food into our kitchen. Now that I am an official "stay at home mom" I feel that healthy eating for my family is my responsibility. In the past I've groaned everytime I've thought about getting into cooking. But now that I am doing this research and learning about good foods for our bodies, cooking doesn't seem so bad, especially when I know I am doing something good for all of us in the long run. I've also realized that healthy eating doesn't have to be as hard as it sounds. It may not come out of a box, or a microwave, but you can prepare meals in advance and freeze them. This is definitely what I plan to do. 

Dear Baby,

After waiting many weeks to finally find out the big news, we made our way to the ultrasonographer. We were so excited to find out if Brody was going to have a sweet little brother or a precious little sister. 

I laid on the ultrasound bed and we looked at all the different parts of you. From your brain, to your cute little heart, to your little feet, to finally the spot we were all waiting for... you, the little bug that I have just started to feel kick inside of me, are a precious girl. Brody is going to have a little sister. Along with that, you get to have the best big brother.

I cannot tell you how excited I am to watch Brody meet you, and to watch you meet Brody. We are training him to be gentle with you. He even has his own little baby doll so we can teach him words like "gentle" and "soft". I know that with time he will get used to you and be such a gentle and kind older brother. He loves to feed his baby doll, Trey, his fake bottle, when he isn't pretending to drink it himself that is. He also loves to hold Trey gently, swaying side to side, so I know that Brody has great potential to be such a sweet older brother.

I am so excited to have a little girl in our home. Brody and your daddy are the best of friends. Brody loves balls, cars, and making lots of noise. And while I know you will enjoy these things too, I look forward to dressing you in girly outfits, playing house with you, and playing with toys like doll house, just like I used to do as a little girl. 

You have a wonderful Daddy. He is going to love having a little girl so much. I just know he will adore putting little bows in your hair and calling you his little princess. He is such a sweet daddy and you are going to love him so much.

I love being a momma. It is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. And while I know I am constantly making mistakes, I really am trying my very best to be the best mommy I can to Brody and now my sweet little girl. I promise to love you so much, each and every day. I am committed to this Mom thing through thick and thin. And with that, I am truly loving every moment of it. 

The most important thing that the ultrasound told us though is that you are very healthy and are striving well right inside of me. We feel so blessed knowing just that. Just 19 more weeks and I get to kiss that sweet face of your's and soak in that perfect baby smell. 

I love you little girl. 

Love, 

Your anxious momma <3

worries about the "what ifs" of pregnancy

Like many pregnant mommas, I'm sure, I have had a constant worry that something might go wrong inside of there.
On both pregnancies I've thought about the "what ifs",
and continuously bothered Jeff with "what would we do if" questions...
While many times these worries are about the possible miscarriage,
more often they contain worries about if something is less than perfect with the baby.

When Brody was born, his hearing tests continuously failed in his left ear at the hospital.
This was so scary to me.
While I held this perfect little child, I was overwhelmed with the thought that even one little thing could be wrong with him.
I hated thinking about the chance that maybe I did something wrong while being pregnant to possibly cause this.
While everyone assured me that it had nothing to do with me... the thought still crossed this concerned momma's mind.
I wondered if he would someday have to attend speech therapy.
I wondered that if he had a speech impediment, if the kids at school would make fun of him.
I wondered what other things he would encounter in his life that hearing loss in one ear may affect.
As I held my innocent, little baby, I prayed that this trouble would wash away from him.
I didn't want him to have more struggles in this world than what was already waiting for him.

After a week, we took him in for more specilized, in-depth tests, and we found out that his ear was just clogged with liquid,
and it would eventually fix itself.
We had nothing to worry about.
I had nothing to worry about.
My perfect child, who had hearing in both of his ears, was now even more perfect.
Our prayers were answered on that day.

Jeff and I spent the day at Boy Scout Camp this morning.
There, I experienced something that I definitely did not expect.
We had a brand new Cub Scout attend our group.
(He just recently turned of age.)
Neither of us had met him, until he stepped out of the car with him mom, ready with a smile on his face and for a full day of fun.
This little eight year old boy had red hair,
four missing front teeth,
and big, bright eyes.
This little boy also had down syndrome.
I had no idea what all it would entail to care for a boy with this trial.

Jeff and I were the only leaders set off from our pack to care for these boys at camp.
Which meant we were fully responsible for this new little boy.
This scared me a little. I was nervous for the unexpected.

He slept in the car, with his head on his cousin's shoulder, all the way to camp.
He had the sweetest, angelic look on his face as he slept.

As we stood together at opening ceremonies, the sun hadn't reached the top of the mountains yet, so it was very chilly.
I squatted down beside him to see how he was doing, and he looked at me and said, "You look cold."
He scooted a bit closer to me, and I knew at that moment that I liked this little boy, a lot.

While we went through out the day at camp, the little boy was so bright eyed at each and every event.
He watched intently to the other kids around him and joined right in with the rest of the boys.
At one point when they were doing the climbing wall, his job was to be a spotter.
And he was the best spotter there.
He cautiously watched his cousin climb the wall, encouraging him, and telling him where to put his foot next so that he would be safe.

We continued through the day, switching from activity to activity, and I watched how the counselors paid special attention to him.
I watched how everyone helped him just a little bit more and encouraged him more frequently than others.
I wondered how I would feel if I was a parent to a boy like him.
Would I feel bad that people had to spend extra time with my child?
Would I feel awkward when I had to let people know about his circumstance?

Even though the day included this little boy taking his shoe off and throwing it in a river,
this little boy taking a pair of scissors at arts and crafts under the table and cutting his hair,
this little boy continuously running away from me, playing hide-and-seek,
this little boy throwing objects like rocks, scissors, and dirt around,
and me being worried we'd lose track of him, or he'd get hurt, or that he'd accidentally hurt someone else,
I learned something much bigger than all of that...

At the closing ceremony, another little boy who was not a part of our pack,
came over to our boys and started to complain that our special little boy was "bullying him".
He said that he wouldn't stop looking at him and wouldn't stop sticking his tounge out at him.
This complaining kid was getting on my nerves.
The cousins of our little boy stood up for him appropriately,
and I told the kid to go back to the pack and leave him alone.
The kid had no idea the circumstance of the boy that he was complaining about.
He didn't know him.
He didn't care.

But I did.
I realized, at that moment, how much love I had for this new little boy in our pack.
I loved everything about this little boy.
He was special, and he was perfect.

So many things that the boy would do, so many mannerizims, reminded me of Brody.
The way he reached up to Jeff when he was tired because he wanted to be held.
The way he ran around to the other sides of things and giggled as he knew I couldn't catch him.
The way he had this look of pure awe when he saw someone do something that he had never seen before.

However, this little boy was so much easier to care for than Brody.
He could walk perfectly,
he could make model airplanes with the other kids,
he could understand when I told him to do things,
he could play with other eight year old kids,
he could feed himself,
and he could go to the bathroom by himself.
I love Brody more than anything I could ever imagine.
I love taking care of him, even though taking care of a baby isn't always easy.

I realized, as I made these comparisons,
that if someday Heavenly Father gave me a child that was special like this boy I had met today,
that I would truly love that child with all of my heart,
just like I loved Brody.
I would care for that child like a loving momma should,
and I know that it wouldn't be as hard as I had once imagined it might be,
to accept that child's differences,
and understand that this child was sent down specifically to me.

I am so glad that I had this experience.
As much as I worry about things going wrong with my pregnancy
and with my new forming little baby,
today I gained a testimony that we are sent children that are meant for us.
Heavenly Father understands what we can handle.
He knows our love capacity.
Sure, I will still worry, and I will still be cautious about things I do during pregnancy,
but I now have an assurance that things will work out.
There is a plan.

Being a momma makes me think of things much differently than I ever did before.
It makes me look at the world with more caring and loving eyes.

My heart was full today.

Letter to 13 Year Old Me

 

Tomorrow is my last day of teaching my math class.

As I was preparing the activity that I plan to have them do on their final day of seventh grade, it made me reminisce a little bit.

I'm having them make an origami x-faced cube (I couldn't bare even one day without some type of math), and then I'm going to have them finish this sentence on a little piece of paper: "If there is one thing I want to remember about seventh grade, it would be..." Then I want them to fold it up, and put it inside their little box for a keepsake.

I want to talk to them about how these moments-
seventh grade,
Junior High friendships,
carefree attitudes...
-go by way too fast, and in ten years, many of those memories will be gone, even when you try to think back upon them.

I know some will roll their eyes and do the assignment just for the credit in the class. But others I hope will write something meaningful that they might read years later, perhaps causing a flashback of what their life once was like, so long ago. I wish I had more of those things written down.

I tried to think about what I might have written down in an assignment such as this one. Probably nothing too important, but it would be meaningful just the same, because things that seem unimportant now once had huge importance back in my seventh grade year. Things such as
boys,
clothes,
music,
acceptance issues,
parent problems,
sibling problems,
hair problems,
diet issues,
confusion,
life's many directions,
fitting into the right groups,
making the right choices,
making the wrong choices...
some of these have faded,
while some of these are still present in this completely different life I am living right now.

Dear 13 Year Old Me,

First of all, stop worrying so much.
You worry about making the wrong choices.
You worry about not being a good example for your younger sisters.
You worry about what others may think of you.
You worry that you aren't good enough.
Just stop, because most of that worrying is so unnecessary.

You are at a place in your life that you can live, without all of that worry.

You are great at making friends.
Remember how to stay like this because in the future, you will need this skill.
You are so lucky to have the friends you do.
Not many kids at your age can say that they grew up with such an awesome, close-knit, group as you did. 
You struggle with finding acceptance within yourself, and they definitely help with that.

Setting your friends aside, be yourself. 
The people around you don't need to accept everything about you.
It is okay if they don't.
Don't be scared to share your real opinions and thoughts with others.
They will appreciate your ability to be honest with them.
I know that is hard sometimes, especially when you are caught between doing the right thing, 
and still being "cool", 
but in the end, the honesty is what really matters.
The honesty, to yourself and to your values, will be what makes you proud of yourself later in life.

With your life at school, and your life with your friends,
don't forget your life with your family.
As much as they annoy you now,
you will love them and appreciate them much more if you learn to get along with them.
Remember that while the friend memories are great,
the family memories are just as, if not even more, important.
Don't take the good family that you were blessed with for granted.
It will only make you sad later on.

Get to know your sisters. 
They are the ones that in ten years, you will love to stay up late talking with.
They are the ones that in ten years, you will want to call up and vent to.
They are the ones that in ten years, will still be there following your every life detail.
They are the ones that in ten years, will understand you- 
where you are, 
where you come from, 
and where you are going.
There is nothing like the blessing of a sister,
and you are so lucky- you have been blessed with two great ones!

Love your mom.
Love your dad.
They know you so well.
You are going to make mistakes- big mistakes.
But they will still be there for you. 
I promise.
When it feels like there is no one else, they will be there.

Gain a testimony.
You will be thankful you did later.
Stand strong to that testimony, because in the end, it will carry you through.

And again, stop worrying.
Someday you will marry the man of your dreams.
So stop being attracted to guys that aren't good enough for you.
Because believe it or not, a guy that deserves you is out there.
And you two will be so happy.
It's going to be fun, 
really.

Just love everyone. You have an opportunity to be different from the people around you.
Embrace that fact, and stop trying to be the same.  

With love,
23 Year Old Karli
 
P.S. 
Just wait until you hold your first son in your arms for the very first time. 
You will love him so much, 
and better yet, he will love you back, 
just as much. 
He will love you no matter how many friends you have. 
So learn to love yourself. 
There is so much more to life then what you know right now.