The day Bonnie finally got her name.

Dear Bonnie,

Your dad and I wanted you to have the perfect name. We always knew that our first girl would have the middle name of Catherine (since it was family tradition that you'd be named after your great-great-grandma), but as for your first name, we had no idea what we were going to do. For the twenty weeks before your due date, we discussed countless names, but nothing felt just right. People would ask us again and again what name we had chosen, and we had to explain that we hadn't agreed on anything quite yet. As your due date got nearer, we put together four possible names- Scarlett, Skyler, Paisley, and Eleanor. We felt comfortable with these options, however none of them stood out as "the name" yet. We hoped that when we set eyes on your pretty little face that one of the names would seem to fit.

You finally arrived. Your dad and I would hold you in the hospital room, looking at your perfect, petite little self and trying out the names on you. However, nothing stuck, and we were hesitant to start calling you anything specific because none of the names that we liked felt right for you.

As we were preparing to leave the hospital, we knew that we didn't want to go home without you having a name. I turned to your Daddy and said, "You know, I'm so tired to thinking about names. I'm starting to hate them all. I want you to name her. I got to choose Brody's middle name, so it is your turn." I remember your Daddy holding your tiny little self in his arms. You looked so small and his face looked so sweet as he stared into your little eyes. I sat across from him on the hospital bed nearby.

Finally, he said, while still staring at your perfect little face, "What about Bonnie?" He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes. I fell in love. Right when he said the name, I knew that was the sweet little name that you were meant to have. It was the first time we had considered this name, and I'm not sure why it hadn't come up sooner. I love old fashioned names for girls and I was looking high and low for one that would fit you.

Bonnie, you are named after your great grandma, and you should be so proud. She is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met and many many people look up to her. Bonnie Catherine- the best part of your name is that both have meaning. You mean so much to us and it was so important to us that we find you the perfect name, just for you.

Bonnie couldn't fit you more. It means beautiful, and that is exactly what you are. Each day I find myself loving you more and more. I adore being your Mommy. You have the prettiest little lips- they are my favorite one of your features. When you get upset they make the saddest little pouty lip and it seriously is the cutest thing I have ever seen. And your nose.. it is perfect and allows you to have the most ideal profile I have ever seen. I could go on.. I think you are perfect, Bonnie Cait. I love you little girly girl.

I want to remember the story of your name. I think it is one of the sweetest stories. I love your Daddy and how much he loves being a parent. He loves his little girl so much.

Love,
Mommy

A moment in time over mac and cheese.

The past two days Bonnie has taken a 3 hour nap from 10-1. While I know that this may change, I'm hoping it doesn't. Brody's nap is 11:30-1:30, so that means that Brody and I get some individual time together from 10-11:30.

Today, during this time, while Jeff and Deb went to church, Brody and I were left alone while Bonnie slept. He sat in his highchair, eating some macaroni and veggies while I did the rest of the morning dishes. I looked over at him, eating so contently, and wondered wait, what was I doing? I stopped doing the dishes and pulled up the stool near his highchair. I asked him to give me a high five. He gladly did and soon we were both laughing and giving eachother high five after high five, even double high fives sometimes. It was so fun and I felt like things were more normal during this little moment together.

He just looked so happy- like he was so happy to have his momma back.

After having Bonnie, I'll admit, I've become obsessed with her. I have tried to find every spare moment to hold her, and feed her. Let's be honest though, newborns need to eat A LOT so this time hasn't been hard to find since it is so necessary. In the meantime though, Brody has been played with a little less by me, and has had a lot less momma time all together. Thank goodness for the family that has been here to fulfill that missing time. But I know it's not quite the same for him.

However, in this small moment over mac and cheese, I could feel how life will eventually become more normal. Bonnie won't always be my brand new little baby, and Brody won't always be my crankier child that I need more patience with. I could feel that eventually they will just be my two adorable children, both with their differences, but both here to be loved by me evenly. I could feel that eventually things won't be so complicated.

Loving Two Little Bees

Having a second child, for me, has been a different experience than I would have guessed. As much as I would love to say that it's been easy, that being a family of four feels perfect, that things haven't changed that much, that everyone is happy, and that life couldn't feel more complete, I can't. Because if I did, that would be lying. To be honest, this transition, that we are still trying to work through, has been a difficult one.

I came home from the hospital after only staying there one night. I remembered how good it felt after having Brody to finally be able to go home, to my own bed, and to my familiar life. This time though, it was different. I was sure I wanted to go home, but immediately after I sat on my couch, I could tell I should have chosen to stay that extra night. I felt overwhelmed. Brody was crying since it was at the time of day that he was most crankiest. I was hungry. I was sore. There wasn't a nurse there to ask for things from. My mom was there. But she knew she was most helpful if she took care of Brody by getting him fed, bathed, and ready for bed. I should have just stayed and enjoyed the quiet feel of the hospital for just a little longer. I should have stayed and enjoyed my little new baby alone for just a little longer. I will know this for next time.

I remember rocking Brody that first night home and wondering if I was ever going to be to handle this new life I had created for myself. I felt like I had took the nice life that I was used to and made it a million times harder for myself. It had nothing to do specifically about the baby. She was and is a little angel baby. I just couldn't believe that eventually, after family had left, that I would have to split my attention in half, for two kids. Two babies.

Each day has gotten a little bit better. I still am overwhelmed at the thought of facing days without my mom or mother in law here to help with Brody, but I feel myself gaining more confidence in this as the time goes by. I could not be more grateful that I have the awesome family that I do. My mom and mother in law are both so selfless as they have stayed here, helped in every way that they can think of, woken up at the crack of dawn with Brody each morning, let me take long naps during the day, and been there to talk to. I know that if they hadn't been willing to be here I wouldn't have been able to handle my new life situation so quickly- especially those first few days.

Brody has been affected by this change the most. And honestly, it breaks my heart if I think about it too much. I have to constantly remind myself that he is still a baby. He has been throwing tantrums more often whenever he doesn't get his way. He has made normal things so much more difficult such as sitting in his highchair, or letting us get him dressed, or not waking up in the middle of the night. I feel like so many things that I have worked so hard to enforce with him have immediately went backwards. I can tell he is confused. He now has to share his parents with a little sister that he barely knows or understands.

The worst part is how I feel like I've betrayed him. Normally I wouldn't feel this way, but his actions tell me that is the way he feels as well. He's always been a Daddy's Boy- but now it's worse. He never, and I mean never, comes to me if Jeff is anywhere is the house. When Jeff leaves he screams and screams like I'm just some horrible babysitter. Even if I'm away from him for an extended amount of time, he doesn't act excited to see me at all. However, every time Jeff returns he couldn't be more excited. He gets his most excited look on his face, runs over to him, and reaches up for him to carry him around. Me, he barely even looks at me. I'm not exaggerating this at all. I normally am the one who rocks him to sleep, but now he chooses Jeff. He won't even give me a hug or kiss goodnight- and he used to do that to Jeff when I would take him to bed.

The sad feeling I get when any of these things happen is indescribable. He's still my little baby, and just because I now have another baby doesn't mean that I love him any less. I wish I could explain these thoughts to him. He's just so little. He doesn't deserve to feel as though his mommy has replaced him. Everyone says that things will get better. They are probably right, since normally hard things in life eventually do get better. But really, that doesn't make the here and now any easier.

Bonnie Catherine: A Birth Story

First off, I want to say- I just love my little girl. She is like a little doll. The past week and two days that I have woken up, I open my eyes and see her laying there, quiet as can be. It just makes my heart happy. She's so innocent and I get an excited feeling knowing that she is here and is mine forever. My little Bonnie Catherine. I just love her so much.

On the morning of my induction, after writing my last blog post, I got ready for the day ahead. I took a nice, hot shower, and fixed my hair and makeup. I tried to be as quiet as possible since my mom and sister were both asleep on the couch. After saying goodbye to both of them, Jeff took my bags in his arms, and we walked our way to the hospital. It was one of those mornings that had a perfect brisk temperature. As I walked beside Jeff, we talked about the day ahead. We laughed a little and I really felt good that morning. This entire pregnancy actually had been really easy- no pains, no complications, no real side effects at all. So walking the half mile to the hospital that morning felt good. It just felt good to move around and walk off the thoughts that I had been thinking about that whole night before. Sleeping had been impossible. My mind was tired.

We filled out paperwork, and got escorted to our hospital room where we would be welcoming our baby into the world. At that point, I immediately became negative about everything. I was bitter that this hospital didn't allow tours, and therefore I was upset that this was the first time that I was able to see this room. I hated the curtains. I hated the way I could see storage hidden behind corners. I hate the uninviting feel the room gave me. I know that things like the curtains were really insignificant to everything bigger that would be happening that day, but this was how negative I had become. I couldn't see how this day was going to go well at all. We met our nurse. After answering what felt like a million questions, she left for a little and I fell apart. I just cried and I couldn't stop. I didn't like her. I didn't know why. And honestly, I really didn't want to have a baby that day.

Being induced was just something I didn't want to happen. I hated the feeling of anticipation of what was about to happen. As Jeff held my hand and tried to convince me that the nurse really wasn't that bad and that she was nice, I just laid on the bed feeling nervous and scared. The only thought that made me continue is knowing this all would be over by the end of the day and soon we would be holding our little baby. But to be honest, it was so difficult to stay focused on that fact.

Aside from all of this, there was another reason I was terrified to have this baby. It wasn't about the pain, and it wasn't about being induced. There was something else that had been on my mind for awhile now that was difficult for me to even think about. I just felt, with every part of me, that something was not normal with this pregnancy. I sat there, next to Jeff still holding my hand, and explained how scared I was to meet our little girl. At this moment I felt an urgency to tell him how strongly I felt that something was going to be wrong. I didn't know what was wrong exactly, but I knew that there was something different about this pregnancy in comparison to my last one. I also knew that what I was feeling was not normal. Up until this moment I had tried my best to ignore these thoughts. But knowing that we were going to find out the reason for these feelings, in this very room, was overwhelming me at that moment. Jeff assured me that everything was fine, but the guilt I was feeling that I hadn't told him this sooner made me so sad. Jeff is a baby lover for sure. He would do anything for his family. I realized now that I hadn't been including him during the last few months of pregnancy. How selfish could I be? This child was not only mine, but just as much his. I just looked at his face, trying to comfort me, and had a sinking feeling inside my entire body.

Throughout the end of my pregnancy, everyone that asked about how far I was along, or when I was due, became shocked at my response. They were so surprised that I was so small. This in itself made me nervous about how I was progressing. At the end of my pregnancy, I was losing weight, and while this is sometimes normal in pregnancies, it didn't feel normal to me. Throughout my entire pregnancy I had trouble eating. I knew that I needed to eat, after all I was pregnant, but I just never had an appetite. I knew I needed at least three meals a day, but each time I had to force myself to eat. Nothing sounded good to me, and nothing ended up tasting good either. These aren't normal feelings for me to have, and so while this lasted, I continued to do my best to eat well and to remember to take my prenatal vitamins. Also, I rarely felt the baby move. I remembered with my last pregnancy that I could feel Brody all day long and how he would get underneath my ribs and how badly that would hurt. This baby though, caused me absolutely no discomfort. I'd feel her move occasionally, which would assure me that she was still okay, but nothing like my last pregnancy experience. I did my best not to think about what was going on because I wanted so bad for there not to be anything wrong with this pregnancy. I also never felt any sort of contractions- even Braxton Hicks. I knew, with every part of me, that my body was not ready to have this baby. Therefore thinking about being induced and how long this may take my body to catch up, scared me so much.

I was an emotional mess as I sat in that hospital room next to Jeff. I just wanted this day to be over. As I sat there scrolling through Facebook, I read posts from my family and friends about how excited they were about the day ahead. I felt so unsettled that the only person not excited was me, the mother, the one who had to complete this great feat ahead. 

At 6:30am I was started on Pitocin. I laid there, waiting in anticipation, for the contractions to start, but I didn't feel a thing. At 8am my doctor arrived. After accessing my progress, which was nothing, he decided to break my water. However, no liquid came out. Nothing. My baby had been living in little to no fluid. My doctor was worried that the water really hadn't broken, so they decided to attach an internal monitor to the baby's head to assure that it really was broken. (Everything on my birth preferences list was not happening- not even close.) Again though, no water. The nurse, at this point, realized that my Pitocin was actually not even plugged in- which was why I hadn't started to feel the contractions. They officially started me on the Pitocin at 8am. I asked about the numbers on the Pitocin monitor and the nurse explained to me that they increased the dose by 4 every half hour, and if eventually my body started to go into labor by itself, that they would turn off the medicine all together and let me continue naturally. I hoped this would happen so bad. This, however, never happened. Eventually, the Pitocin number got to "20", which was the highest the hospital allowed. I laid there, in so much pain. The contractions were so strong, and I was trying so hard to not agree to an epidural. Each time they checked me though, there was barely any progress. I felt as though this day, and this pain, was going to last forever. The worst part was knowing that these contractions were probably a lot worse than they would be if they were the natural contractions that I had hoped to experience while attempting this natural birth. And while I wasn't positive that the contractions were worse because of the Pitocin, the thought still consumed me. It consumed me so much that I finally gave in. I wanted the epidural. I went into the hospital that morning with a horrible attitude. I was filled with stress and I was scared. And I just couldn't handle what was happening anymore.

Jeff and I discussed my decision and at 11:30am I got my epidural and my body relaxed. Chloe arrived at the hospital at noon, and while the three of us talked, things started to feel a lot better inside that hospital room. After the mood had lightened and I decided to try to take a nap, Jeff left and went downstairs to get some lunch. As I tried to go to sleep, I sudden became extremely cold. Chloe said that my body didn't feel cold, but my insides were seriously freezing. The nurse must have given me at least 5 heated blankets, which felt good at first, but I was so cold to the point that my teeth were chattering. I also started to feel dizzy and nauseous. It was an immediate change. Then, I felt the urgent need to that I needed to pee- so so bad. However, having an epidural, I couldn't walk. Plus, I also had a catheter, so I obviously didn't have to go pee.

Chloe pushed the nurse call button and once she got to the room I explained what all I was feeling. She helped me turn to my other side and that made me feel even more sick. She checked me, and from the time I got the epidural, I was at 3 cm, and now, about an hour and a half later, I was at 9 cm. The nurse began to move quickly around the hospital room and Chloe and I looked at eachother confused. She asked, "Uh, where's your husband? You're about to have this baby." My eyes widened and I felt completely unprepared and nervous. I wasn't ready yet! This wasn't supposed to happen so soon! Chloe texted and called Jeff, telling him to get upstairs as quickly as possible. (I guess he was pretty disappointed that he had only eaten half of his bacon burger he had ordered, and had to throw the other half away.) As he ran through the door, I saw how surprised his face became when he saw I had an oxygen mask on, the stirrups at the foot of the bed were out, and there were a few extra people inside the room getting ready for the delivery. Everyone was moving so fast, and I felt so sick, and the last thing I felt like I wanted to do was push for two and a half hours like I had to do with Brody. The nurse mentioned how she wasn't sure where Doctor Nance was. Oh no. This was not happening. But luckily, he entered the room, and took his position. The nurse explained that on the next contraction I was going to push for 10 seconds. "Ready, set, push," she said and I did just that, except I stopped when she got to 8 because I knew that this was going ot be a long process and I didn't want to tire myself out too early. The next thing the doctor said though, confused me. He said, "Oh wait, finish that last push, you're about to have your baby." Whhhhatttt???? I started to push again, and immediately he said, "Stop pushing!"

At 1:39pm, there she was. She immediately began to cry and I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I was to hear her little cry. I heard phrases like, "What a little peanut!!" and "She was staving inside of you!" and "She has to be no more than 6 pounds," and "Oh, poor baby, the cord was wrapped around her little neck." I wasn't exactly surprised to hear any of these things. I just laid there, shaking. I saw tears in both Jeff's and my sister's eyes, and I wondered why I wasn't very emotional. After all, crying for me seemed to have been the theme of the day. Instead, I was in shock. How did she get here so quickly? Was she healthy? Why was she staving inside of me? Why was she so skinny? How would caring for such a tiny baby be different than caring for Brody, who was 2 and a half pounds heavier? I felt scared and nervous. I felt sad that my suspicions that things weren't perfect inside of me had been true after all. I had hoped so badly that it was just my imagination and that I was overreacting. I know now though, mother's intuition is real.

They brought my little baby girl to me and I looked at her tiny face, as I continued to shake terribly. I was overwhelmed with feelings, but mostly feelings of love for this tiny little girl that I had held inside of me for the last nine months. I could see the same love shine in Jeff's face as he kissed us both with the proudest look on his face. He is such a good daddy. The three of us are so lucky to have him.

Once my placenta had been delivered, the doctor explained to me how he thought my placenta had stopped working near the end of my pregnancy. This would explain the baby's low birth weight. She was literally starving inside of me. I can not explain the sinking, sad feeling that this brought my heart. The fact that I had yearned to wait to have her later in order to have a natural birth seemed so silly to me now. (By the way, the nurse told me later that the doctor had been in the room for a total of 4 minutes for my delivery. Holy cow!)

Not many things on my Birth Preferences List ended up happening in the end. However, after letting things settle inside my mind and my heart, I realize now that they went exactly how they were supposed to. By doing the research I had taken the time to do before this baby came, I am able to understand my body so much better. Birth used to scared me before and after I had Brody. Now though, as my understanding has increased, I am able to face it with confidence, knowing that the woman's body is created in a way that is meant to have babies. I also understand that feelings during a pregnancy that things don't seem right, should not be ignored. The woman's body is amazing and more than not, it will tell you when things are going right or wrong. How grateful I am for this new understanding. I also am so happy that I had this baby girl when I did. Had I waited longer, while my placenta had not been working anymore, I'm scared to even think about what could have happened. I also had wanted so badly to not get an epidural. However, in the end, the epidural was just what my stressed out body needed. That morning was one of the most stressful mornings that I have even experienced. As soon as I got that epidural though, my body immediately went into action and my labor was so easy from that point on. The most important thing out of this whole story is that our baby is here, and she is safe. While she had a low birth weight, all the other tests turned out perfectly. She is the size of a premature baby, but since she was actually full term, she eats well, her muscles are strong, and she's just as alert as a full term sized baby would be.

I'm so glad that my Heavenly Father had been looking after her for the past 9 months. She definitely is a little blessing that was brought to us that day.