Momma of Two

Boy, was it hard to get three little ones to sit in one spot and smile/look at the camera at the same time! My Brody was definitely the most difficult. By the end of our session I was literally sweating from jumping, dancing, and making silly noises behind the photographer, trying to get the kids attention, and chasing speedy crawling little Brody all around the room while he refused to stay with his cousins. But jeez, aren't these pictures cute anyways? A little sweat never hurt anyone. :)

This past weekend we were lucky enough to have Jeff's family come into town. One of my favorite parts of the trip was getting to see Brody interact with his sweet cousins. Brody adored them and loved to watch what they were doing the whole time that they were here. He just loves being around other children.

Taking three kids with us on all of our many activities was a ton of work compared to our normal one kid trips. It made me think about what life is going to look like for Jeff and me in just a few months. Two kids! That is going to definitely be different. As I watched my sister-in-law chase after her two girls, be pulled in separate directions, worry about each child for different reasons, it made me wonder if I am going to be able to handle this huge commitment.

Now, I am already pregnant, there is no turning back now. I know that. I'm in for it, and I am going to make this momma-of-two thing work, even if it drives me insane... however this doesn't mean that I don't worry. Boy, do I worry.

I worry that I won't have enough time for each of my kids.
I worry that I am not going to be able to build the strong momma-baby relationship with my second that I have with Brody.
I worry about what I am going to occupy Brody with while I'm feeding the new baby.
I worry that the new baby is going to throw off Brody's world as he knows it, and that it will make Brody sad.
I worry that I'm just going to be a stressed out mess trying to figure out how to coordinate not only only baby's schedule, but two.
I worry that the new baby and I won't have as many special moments like Brody and I do.

For example, how Brody points his one little pointer finger
on his left hand up to me and expects me to kiss the tip of it.
Or when we say "What's on your head?"
and Brody places whatever is closest to him on the top of his head.
Will I have time for silly games like this?

I worry that our house won't be as happy anymore. That it will be too busy.
I worry that I won't be able to soak in the monumental moments that Brody has, or the new baby has, because I'll be too busy paying attention to the other one.
Will I mix up their names and make them feel like I love them less?
I worry that I won't think my next kid is as adorable as Brody is. Do I have more love inside of me to amount to the love that I already have for Brody?
Will I forget one at the park because I'm used to just pushing one around in the stroller?

I worry about all of these things and much, much more. I know, I know, you are saying in your head that I am worrying too much. That when the new baby comes that he/she will just fit into our family like they were always there to begin with. You are saying that Brody will learn to love his new sibling and I will not have a problem loving that new baby as well. But what if you are wrong? What if getting pregnant was just a terrible mistake and Jeff and I should have waited a few years??

While these things spiral through my head, especially when I see other families with more than one kid, I am also so excited for this new adventure.
I can't wait to hold that new, innocent little baby in my arms for the first time.
I can't wait to see Jeff's proud daddy face when he sees his son or daughter in the hospital on that special day.
I can't wait to quietly watch Brody alone with the baby.
I can't wait to teach Brody how to be gentle and loving with this new little person.
I can't wait to set up a room full of both baby and toddler toys.
I can't wait to walk my two precious children in a double stroller.
I can't wait to squeeze in the backseat between the two car seats on a not so peaceful car trip.
I can't wait to let Brody help me with the new baby and watch him fall in love with this other piece of him.
I can't wait to have Brody and the babe become good friends since they will be so close in age.

This lifestyle change will definitely cause some learning experiences on this momma's end. I have no idea how I'm going to do it. But I WILL do it. I have to. Two little, young, innocent souls are counting on me, and I definitely don't want to let those sweet children down.

momma and baby moment to remember.

I just want to remember a this sweet moment I had with Brody a few nights ago...

Family came to town this past weekend and while this is always so much fun to see relatives, and especially for me to watch them interact with Brody, it does make me a little more stressed and a little less relaxed. I am a person who likes to attempt to make things go perfectly, and when they don't, which they never do, I sometimes lose it. This was one of those times.

After a busy day full of fun, nonstop activities (including shopping for a new car-what a stress in itself), Jeff and his family dropped Brody and I off at home since it was late and way past Brody's very scheduled bedtime. When Brody's off schedule, this momma doesn't cope well. I like Brody's schedule, or should I say live for Brody's schedule. So as flexible as I try to be when we have visitors or some other event that forces us out of the schedule, I inevitably get stressed out. On top of it, we had been out all day, so Brody hadn't eaten as much as he normally does. (I have learned from this experience to always pack a special lunch/dinner of food and snacks just for Brody, for the times the adult food isn't the easiest to feed to a toddler.) This also added to my stress and worry. So after a rushed dinner, and a quick bath, I finally started to rock him to sleep with a bottle. I closed my eyes and tried to wish my pounding headache away in Brody's peaceful, dark room.

He was hungry, more hungry than I think both him and I thought. He drank 10 ounces in a flash. While I was rocking him while singing our favorite Primary songs, the dreaded happened. Brody started to gag, and cough, and whimper, and oh no, yes, barf. He barfed all of the food and all of the full bottle he had just consumed all over me, all over himself, all over his hair, all over the boppy, all over the material covered rocking chair, all over the floor, then all over the changing table, then all over the bathtub, then all over the side, both sides, of the bathtub... Me, being exhausted from the full day with relatives, rinsed and bathed crying (and screaming) Brody, once again, trying to hold back my frustrations, knowing that I needed to put this baby to bed and then be ready to enjoy the company that we had afterwards. I was so tired. I had to strip myself of my vomit clothes as well, and now I had the stress of how I was going to get another set of clothes for myself without revealing everything to my in-laws that were visiting, who may or may not have gotten home yet. I was praying everyone would just take their time returning. This was definitely not the got-it-all-together-Karli I liked to pretend to be at all times. (Also being pregnant, I'm sure, didn't help this situation.)

Anyway, I finally got Brody cleaned up, and wrapped in a towel. He smelled heavenly, especially compared to the rancid stench that everything else in the world reeked of. I just need to sit, so I sat, with my baby wrapped up in my arms, with only his tiny face peering out beneath the soft white towel. I just held him, and I started to cry. Let's be honest... I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I looked down at Brody, my sweet baby. The roles of crying usually were reversed.  He just starred up at me and I took in all of his innocence. He just looked at his very sad momma and laid very very still. As tears ran down my face, I remember just closing my eyes and smelling his sweet lavender scented baby wash. I then felt a tiny, soft hand reach up and touch a tear on my face. This made me cry even more, however instead of tears of exhaustion and frustration, it turned into tears of overwhelming love. That, at that moment, was all I needed. (I'm tearing up now thinking about this sweet moment.)

My little guyee guy. I know that he was sent down to me for a reason. We know each other so well and not only do I take care of him, but he somehow takes care of me as well.

Lately he has been giving out some major cuddles. He will be playing with his toys, and spontaneously turn around to look at me, crawl over, and give me a hug. I fall in love with him just a little bit more everytime this happens. How could something so young be so wise and alert to his small world around him? I love this little man, and gosh, I love being a momma.

my thoughts

We got home from Target and Brody was hungry, tired, and just plain not happy. In the midst of frustrated screaming from such a tiny little mouth that makes such a loud noise, I got him undressed, in his high chair, fed, bathed, lotioned, dressed for bed, hair brushed, and finally could take a breath as he sunk into my arms, bottle in hand, and immediately closed his eyes. As I sung him to sleep, my life just felt good. As I kissed his forehead and laid him down in his crib, watched as he snuggled into his favorite light green blankie, the love I felt for him, and for my simple life, was overwhelming.

Once the house was picked up and the kitchen was clean, I made my way to the bathroom furthest from sleeping Brody, turned my Pandora up way high on my iPad, and took a nice, hot shower. This felt so good, so good. I know that times like today I need to just stop and remember how blessed I truly am. Today I felt blessed.

Being married and having a little one has changed my life more than anything else. With fewer friends, after moving to Utah, I sometimes feel lonely while Jeff works night shifts.  Making friendships seems like it was so much easier when I was single. I'm the type of person who needs socialization. So getting used to quiet nights with a sleeping baby, and a hard at work spouse has been so hard to get used to. It is still a work in progress.

Laid Back Kind of Momma

 
Today was a good day. I didn't have to teach and I got to feel life as just a momma. It was peaceful, fulfilling, and wonderful.  I love having my mornings filled with noisy toys, messy baby food, and warm bottles of milk. Brody had a tough time going down for his naps today. He has officially moved into his own room and is still getting used his crib again. Being home all day with Brody made me understand him more than I feel like I normally do. Taking care of my little guy without many other distractions allowed me to focus on his needs and be the momma I know I want to be. When Brody is unsettled, like he is as he is getting used to his crib, he has a cry that I know right when I hear it. It makes me feel almost sick to my stomach. I know when I hear this cry that all he needs is a little extra cuddle and rock in the rocking chair, and before long he will go right to sleep when I put lay him back down.

I know I have only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I am so thankful for the many lessons that Brody has already taught me. There are so many people, including doctors, nurses, friends, neighbors, and more, that will tell you exactly what you need to do in every parenting situation. I know that the best teacher and advice giver is actually your own sweet, innocent, child. They know what is best for them, and in turn, as a parent, you will know what is best for them, and for you for that matter. I have learned that listening to others, especially to those who don't know Brody personally, only leads to frustration, confusion, and stress. Instead, I have found in so many cases already that doing it my own way has always worked out better.

I am striving to parent in a laid back sort of way. Not in every way, but in some. I have found that if i just let nature take its course with Brody, everyone is happier. Things like sleeping through the night, breastfeeding length, weening from the bottle, not allowing attachments, and more, will all work themselves out. When I say that I am "striving" to be a laid back parent, means that this has not been an easy journey for me, and I am still working on it. I am so easily influenced by the advice that I am given that whenever I hear these opinions I think and dwell on the ideas for so long. It literally brings me down. I feel like I am swimming up stream, trying to figure out how to be a mom, and when new ideas or criticism is thrown at me, I get so flustered that I may not be doing the right thing.

But I want to be laid back. I want to remember to be laid back.

For example, I wanted so badly to breastfeed for an entire year, however, I got pregnant again and while my milk supply decreased drastically, 3 weeks before Brody turned one, I stopped breastfeeding. I was a bit devastated, even though I didn't tell other people that aloud. I don't like to fall short of my goals, but this one I didn't have much of a choice. However, I know that it was the right time for Brody and for me. Brody switched to the bottle full time so easily. He completely switched to whole milk so smoothly. I know that he was ready to not be nursed at night anymore. I had absolutely no pain when I stopped nursing. I always thought that was a requirement when you stopped. My body was ready, just like my baby was ready. If I would have just stopped thinking about all of the people who told me I had to nurse for a year no matter what, and just listened to Brody and my own body, I wouldn't have been so stressed about this transition.

The other day a nurse said to me, "So Brody is over a year now, he is completely off the bottle, right?" I looked at her with a surprised expression, and replied, "No, should he be?" While she explained to me that he should not be on a bottle for more than 14 months, and that I need to be starting to switch him immediately, I had to reassure myself that I was doing okay. I had to keep telling myself that I was not failing as a mom. On the way home I stopped at the store and got Brody 5 new sippy cups. We were going to start this immediately. Brody thought the sippy cups were so fun. He would shake them, chew up the lids, take off the lids with his bottom teeth, and poke the different parts with his little figure trying to figure out what the heck I was giving him to play with. Yeah, this was not going to work, especially at the times I was trying to get him calmed down to go to sleep. I knew after that trial run that Brody was not ready. I needed to be more laid back about this.

Therefore, I have decided to put the sippy cups away for awhile longer. Brody loves his bottle, and that is okay with me. I enjoy rocking him to sleep with his bottle. I adore the way his face looks so innocent when he drinks with it. I love how he insists on me holding it, even though we both know that he is fully capable to do it himself. It's his comfort item, and if he want to suck on a bottle for another year, then so be it. I know he will give it up on his own time, and that time is not right now.

I just want to be laid back. I don't want to listen to him crying in his crib for longer than a few minutes. I don't want to desert him in his room for the whole night if he wakes up. I don't want to not rock him at night until he is ready to sleep. I just want to be a mom, a laid back, it will work itself out, kind of mom.

One Year Already.

Dear Brody, little bee, Little Guyee Guy, Brodekins, Brodicon...

You are so loved. I can't believe you have been my little son for a year already. You have taught me so many wonderful things. The best thing that you have taught me is how to love. Oh, how I love you so much. You are a part of me and that is so special. I'm so happy that I get to have you as a part of my life for always.

You put a smile on everyone's face. Whether we are shopping at the grocery store, playing at the park, sitting in sacrament, taking a stroller ride on sunny days, or walking dad to work, you turn heads, boy, by just being your cute, innocent self. You make me such a proud momma.

Loving you is so easy. I remember babysitting and wondering how moms spent all day caring for their kids. How could they possibly pass the time each day? Oh, I was so naive. Having a child is like nothing else. I live by your schedule and it is so great. Even when you are terribly crabby, or when you are kicking your tiny legs as fast as you can when you don't get your way, or when you stop, mid crawl, to lay your head against the floor to whine out your sorrows, or when you push the garbage down and get chocolate from an ice cream carton all over you face, or when you stick your entire arm in the toilet water, or when you grab a handful of my hair as hard as you can... These things are a part of my days now, and I don't hate it.

There are the cute things you do each day that never fails to put a smile on your dad's, Auntie Q's, and my face. Things like when you crawl into our bedroom and shut the door (you LOVE playing with doors) and then yell for us to come get you, however we can't get inside because you have sat our cute butt directly in front of the door. Or when you hear music and your body is over taken by the sound. You slap your hands on whatever is closest and shake that little booty. This creates the urge for me to kiss you all over your cute face, and I do. I love those soft cheeks. I love our daily bath and night routine. After each bath we lather you all up with your lavender nighttime lotion. And when I say we, I mean me AND you. You love rubbing it all over your tummy, (we call this "all the rubs of america"... I'm not sure quite why) and then you suck it off your hands, of coarse. Cause everyone knows lotion is a great bedtime snack. I rock you, and your sweet smelling self to sleep each night. I've stopped nursing you officially a week ago. It was so natural, for both of us. It was just time. We still cuddle though, just with your baba. You LOVE whole milk. Every time you see the bottle go into the microwave you start breathing as fast as you can and sometimes even start to cry if it is taking too long. Like I said, it was such an easy transition.

Other things you do that I don't want to forget is how you rub food in your hair. I'd prefer you not to do this, but it is somewhat cute how you look at me whenever you are doing this like you know I'm about to give you a big reaction of "Brodyyyyy!" I want to remember how you sneak up to auntie relaxing on the couch and take a big bite on her toe, with or without socks. I'd also prefer you not to do this, but we all can't resist cracking up once we hear your little laugh since you think this is so hilarious. I want to remember how your sock drawer is one of your favorite forms of entertainment. You take all of the socks out of your drawer, practice your tossing around the room, and then you put them away, all by yourself. It's so funny, and such a relief on days I am tired and you want to play. I just take you to your sock drawer, and you will always have the best time. You also think it is hilarious to place things, like socks, on your head. You'll balance them there until one of us says, "What's on your head?" and then you grab the item off and show us with an excited grin. You love your pack play (where you are currently sleeping until the end of the month). You will sit in there for sometimes up to an hour after you wake up and just play and talk to your animals. You have a monkey named Kevin, he's your favorite. I know when you are tired when you rub your fist in your eyes, or when you "arch-a-bod", which mean when you arch your entire body making it stiff and impossible to maneuver. I know when you are sad when Dada leaves for work when you whine to have him hold you when you see him in his uniform and when you reach, on your tippy-toes, to the doorknob, after he shuts the front door. I know when you are being mischeivious when I hear you crawl, as fast as you can, down the hall and hear the bathroom door click shut. I know when you want something by the way you point with your tiniest pointer finger.

I am so excited for what this next year and more have in store for you, and for our little family. I love you so much Brody and am so glad that our Heavenly Father sent you down to me. You have been the greastest addition to my life and I wouldn't change a thing. Happy Birthday, Baby. I love you, little bee.

Love, Momma

Being a Parent

After a short 11 months of parenting, I feel like I have already learned so much.

I have learned unconditional love. Never before have I been so level minded when someone is screaming, on the top of their lungs, right into my face.

I have learned how to live without looking forward to the next time you get to sleep in. With a baby, and with children in general I'm assuming, sleeping in is just not what us moms get to do. At the beginning I used to long for a good sleep in, read a book, morning. I don't let myself think that way anymore. It's funny though, even if part of me wants to stay in bed just a little bit longer, Brody's happy, excited face as sees me coming to get him from his bed makes waking up not so bad.

I have learned how to care for someone. On April 12, 2012, I was blessed with sweet, innocent Brody. I was given the responsibility to care for his every need. This totally freaked me out at first. But after 11 months, I can honestly say I love it now. It is a wonderful feeling to know that someone completely trusts and depends on you. It is a huge responsibility, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Right now I am working in the Nursery in my ward. It is the perfect calling because I get to bring Brody with me and he gets to socialize with all of the kids. Brody is still unsure about them all and the whole situation. Although, I have to admit I love when Brody gets a little unsettled and I can look down and see Brody looking up at me with his worried little blue eyes. His tiny hands grasp my dress as he pulls himself up and closer so that I can bend down pick him up. Once he is in my arms, he feels safe. I have never felt such a satisfying feeling before. To be the person someone looks for when they feel they are in danger. It is overwhelmingly crazy to think that I am that person to Brody.

I'm back, and Brody is big.

In nearly a month I will have a one year old. Let me take a moment to let this soak in. 

Let me also take a moment to say what a horrible blogger I've been lately.

I have a tendency to want to be so efficient, so much that I drive myself crazy at times.

I found myself keeping a running list of all of the events that I needed to blog of Brody.

And we were/are so busy.

And I was not having any time to sit and blog.

And the list was growing and the dates were increasing.

And I was stressing. 

So I decided to put the blog to the side for a little, until it felt fun again.

Now I'm okay. :)

I'm going to try my best not to feel to guilty about not writing about all the precious moments we have had with our sweet boy, and focus on documenting moments that are happening now.

He is getting so big!! 

Brody is crawling, ripping books, digging through trash, eating adult food, and starting to talk.

Today, I was driving home from work, thinking about how much he has grown, 

and I started to think about how soon he will be able to play with other kids and run around with them.

It literally brought a tear to my eye.

A few weeks ago I babysat two of the sweetest kids and learned that Brody does not understand sharing.

While the kids were a bit older than him, and were used to sharing with each other, Brody did not want them touching his toys. He therefore would grab the toy with both hands and push them away with his, not so small, head. Oh gosh, it was so cute.

Right now he loves to shake his head, "no." We aren't sure if that is what he means when he does it, but any question we ask him, there he is, shaking his head. 

"Brody, have you been good today?" Shakes head.

"Brody, do you want a bath?" Shake shead.

"Brody, how old are you?" Shakes head. 

It's the cutest thing.

I took him to the doctor a few days ago and while he is grower taller at an ideal rate, his weight is not increasing very much. 

The doctor seemed worried, which made me worried, and so we are offering him even MORE food, without forcing it. However I feel like he eats SO much already. We are adding a formula feeding per day as well. I guess I may not be cutting it any more.

Life is crazy lately. I'm anxious for it all to slow down, but I'm realizing that life doesn't exactly do that.

We are managing an apartment complex and trying to get through the semester as smoothly as possible. 

Jeff is still at McDonalds, 

and in school full time working on an Exercise Science Degree now.

I'm still teaching 7th grade every other day for two periods, 

and now we both have this added management job on our to-do list. 

Once this school year is over though, I've decided to stop teaching for awhile. Which is why we accepted the management job. It is such a blessing. It covers our rent and I am allowed to bring Brody with me during office hours. The office is connected to our apartment, so I have arranged it so Brody takes his nap during our office hours, which is so ideal in every way. 

Well, that is a bit of what we have been up to lately. I'll be back to blogging now because Brody is growing way too fast and I don't want to forget a thing.