Monday, December 7, 2015

Being Okay With Not Doing It All

I've never been very good at milestones or sentimental things when it comes to my kids, or really, at anytime in my life. Honestly, I never wrote down the date that each of them first walked, or their first word, or their weights and heights at different ages, or the first time they laughed and smiled. It just never seemed super important to me. To me, as long as they did end up walking at some point, that's what mattered. I never really cared to remember when exactly each of these things actually happened. 

I honestly believe that I'll never regret not saving their first hair cut curl, or their first hat they ever wore in the hospital. I throw things away, and I feel better after those things are gone. The real reason being that now I don't have to store them. 

A common phrase my mom used to always say to my sisters and me was, "Oh save that. You can put it in your scrapbook." Did I have a scrapbook? No. Did she have a scrapbook? No. I think my mom secretly has always felt a little guilty that she hasn't been a better scrapbooker, or a scrapbooker at all. She has a hope chest chalk full of things from our childhood. And there they sit, at the foot of my mom's bed, reminding her of the many things she never organized in a pretty fashion. And then there are the boxes and boxes of developed pictures that never were out nicely into photo books. And I know, because of the many times I've heard my mom comment about those boxes, that she feels guilty, and also overwhelmed at what a huge job it would be to ever get those organized or put into digital form. 

I feel myself settling in on my own amount of guilt for similar reasons. I want so badly to just let this go and be okay with the way I am.

However, I do have a worry. I worry that someday my own kids will wish I had documented certain things better or held onto more things of sentimental value. I'm conflicted. Because if that's the case, then maybe I should change my ways and start a collection of these items, but if no one will ever care about them (because I don't) then I really don't want to waste my time or storage space. 

But, do I hold anything like this against my own mom? No freaking way. Because honestly, I'm in the same boat. However, I believe that I am even worse. At least she keeps things, I just throw things away. My mom tried so much harder with so many things, that I fall short in so many ways when I compare myself to her. So my only hope is that my own kids will develop that sane understanding with me, and not be too disappointed with what I did end up doing. 

I do take comfort in knowing that I do a few things to attempt to save these memories.. I love taking pictures. I try to take pictures of ordinary events and moments that don't necessarily consist of holidays, trips, or other monumental experiences. I love writing down stories, even the smallest little memories. (Which is why most of you are super annoyed with seeing multiple posts from me each day.) I plan to someday print out my statuses on Facebook to keep them and allow my kids to sift through them later. I already print out my Instagram pictures, and I cherish those little books. To me, they are equivalent to the journal I have never written. I try to create a way that my kids can see how life really was, back in the day, from their own mom's perspective. 

These pictures and short stories are what I do to fill my need to make up for the other normal things that moms usually do-- like scrap booking and baby books. I will never have those for any of my kids and that is the way I know it is. 

I try to think of what is most interesting to me to look at from my past. I love seeing pictures of my sisters and I, and I love hearing little random stories of things that happened in the past that may explain why we are the way we are. So selfishly, I'm going off my single account of the things I consider valuable, and attempting to collect those things for my own kids.

I don't know how I'll feel if they tell me someday that they wish I would have done better at collecting items from their past, documenting dates of milestones, and creating things like books, shadow boxes, quilts, etc. of things from their past. I wish i could jump into the future and find out how they will feel about this subject, so badly. 

I hope that when they are old enough to care about their past, they know that I did care about them each individually, even if I didn't do everything, and even if I didn't keep a ton of sentiments. I want them to know that I loved kissing their tiny little hands, even though I didn't keep their tiny little hospital bracelets. I want them to know that I was so proud of the art they made at preschool, even though I didn't keep every piece. I want them to know that I was so excited with each new stage they arrived to, even though I don't remember the exact date that they each happened on. 

Especially during the holidays, I reflect on the traditions from my childhood and the traditions that I'd like to uphold with my own kids. I see moms that do so much, including my own, and wonder how they ever have the energy and motivation to do all that. I'm trying to be satisfied with what I do decide to do, and hope that my kids don't someday hold it against me that I didn't do it all. 



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